Feel-good-about-Self-as a Substitute Sense of Self

From your reading so far, by now you probably understand that, given certain deprivations of feedback from the primary caregiver in infancy,  the child is led by Nature to develop compensation strategies. That leads many of us to a (possibly lifelong) dependency requiring us to compulsively fulfill our individual Ego-References. What we are after by compulsively filling them is the emotional ‘high’ of ‘Feeling-good-about-Self,’ which serves as our Substitute Sense of Self .

Some typical examples of how a Substitute Sense of Self is subjectively experienced are:

• sensing the Self through being allowed into the Enmeshment
• later in life, sensing the Self through achievements (Ego-References or working on them, via the Vehicles
• feeling more ‘alive‘ (compare to ‘cutting yourself‘)
• feeling acknowledged, but knowing it can be easily taken away, by the giver’s whim, so the situation is very stressful because you have a desperate need for the condition on which it depends to stay intact
• feeling accepted, but knowing it is only conditional
• feeling bonding, but knowing it is only conditional
• feeling included, but having to be careful, walking on eggshells around the person we feel included with/by
• having a chance to speak up about yourself and express your inner experiences/ideas/feelings/opinions, but then under-using the opportunity or using it the wrong way (Indirect Motivation) to try to score (of service to the Substitute Sense of Self-oriented goalSubstitute Sense of Self-oriented goal) experiencing ‘having a voice’ in a group but then not feeling free to state your real views because you are still dependent on other people’s approval
• hiding behind not stating anything about your personal life in any situation
• feeling over-excited to be admitted into the Enmeshment ; butterflies in stomach
• feeling inadequate or going over the top in self-approval (low valleys and high peaks)
• feeling ashamed and hiding away from people on the one hand, yet on the other hand, trying desperately to establish a prominent or leading position in a social situation (to compensate for feelings of inferiority). However, people sense your Indirect Motivation, your Substitute Sense of Self-based vibes, and you are not able to get your points across, which leaves you frustrated when trying to ‘participate’ in life [LINK Body-language]
• feeling guilty, feeling insecure about who is to blame, when it appears that someone is to blame for something, with a clear preference for taking on the blame yourself and clearing the other person by understanding his or her point of view. There is an expectancy that other people are just as willing to solve conflicts by looking at themselves as you are, which they aren’t because they don’t have the Substitute Sense of Self-oriented goal.
• semi-consciously sensing – with a certain angry edge because it was in doubt – ‘I have a right to exist.’ This is a Substitute Sense of Self  you are experiencing if the anger and doubt are there, just under the surface of normal awareness, but detectable upon close introspecting.

Where the reader goes next….