The sound of the phrase wakes in me a memory of a long gone sensation of deeply felt relaxation. Pronouncing the words aloud causes my limbs to remember what it felt like to rest on the softness of a bed of juicy grass while sinking deeply in the arms of the embracing sunlight. This sensation from an earlier age is quite different from the continuous urgency to be efficient and productive that has is now how I usually spend my time.

From the window of my room on the 6^th floor of the Leela Hotel in Chennai I look down on the deserted pool area. The Pool lies north of the Hotel and it is November in India. The sun spreads its morning rays over the rippled surface of the dark blue water; and there is quite a bit of wind. If I want to go to the pool, I best go now.

I pick my seat from the many empty lounge-chairs are arranged around the pool. The temperature is the total opposite of how I experience the air-conditioning inside the Hotels- and in all the buildings we have visited so far which dry one out like a leaf of basil in the freezer making you feel brittle and old.

Outside by the pool this morning is like being back in the womb: a moist embracing breeze engulfs my body and reminds me of the ideal tenderness I have been longing for my whole life.

This is a chance for some moments of feeling ultimate well-being … I struggle, rationalize that I really have much to do, but then manage to decide not to miss out. My email to do’s will have to wait – isn’t there an order in things anyway so I might as well yield. What needs to happen will – what is not meant to happen won’t – so I choose this moment to trust the process.

I decide to sit here until the sun will disappear behind the building at 11.30 am.

Occasionally, the clouds in the blue sky cover up the golden beams of the sun on my arm as I write in my notebook. The feel of the breeze on my skin is one of the ways that helps me get back in touch with who I am. It helps me sense my body. It helps me to sense my Self.

Images of copper plates and bowls pass through my mind. Earthy tones of Sahara-yellow and henna-orange sari’s and dupartta’s are floating in the wind over the trimmed green grass of the Hotel’s court yard. Friendly smiles everywhere are ready to serve the hotel patrons.

I like this country. How would it be to have people around me so ready to serve me back in my own country? How would it be if I were to be one of them serving others? Questions and observations float in and out of my awareness, as if moved by the breeze and as such quite fitting in this moment and this exotic backdrop.

Here in India, it is about dropping everything – your agenda – your schedule – your plan – to just soak up life as it presents itself. It is so opposite to what we have been imbibed with in the Western culture: hang in there- persist – don’t give up – achieve!

It is too late in the year now to smell the flowers. The dark-blue glittering ripples on the surface of the pool reflect how the wind that has become stronger. The parasol next to me squeaks. I hear the treetops “wrissle” (my made up word that best describes the sound I hear). These sounds make me instantly travel back in time to Holland, where I was born and lived the greater part of my life. I am transported back to the fresh meadows and windy beaches of my native country… to the songs about the winter wind and presents for the children sung on the fifth of December: Saint Nicholas has come from Spain, and in spite of the wind he comes to bring candy for all the children that have been good…

The rumble of the big fans of the hotel air-conditioners partly muffle the distant noises of traffic going on far away. Like a flock of busy mosquitos the honking horns of the auto-rickshaws   – are a friendly remind for each driver of each other’s presence: “Hey, it’s good to know that you are behind me.” The luxury cars sound lazier and more laid back but don’t want to be left out in this game.

Who would have thought that often life is about emptying your plate – getting out of your own way – and witnessing life as it takes place?

The pool boy unrolls and rerolls the slightly untidy towels that lie unused on the pool chairs– it isn’t the season but the poolside looks good anyway. There is care in how he resets each towel, chair by chair. He does this with a zen–like attitude as if there is a correlation between the quality of execution of this task and the fate of the world. Hey, I can create something beautiful while just sitting here, I discover with joy. I can take notes for a blog… And so I do.

Hyper-Efficiency Disorder: Have you got it?

Imagine with me if you will:  I am sitting here in this private little space, for 5 minutes alone with myself but I will use my time wisely planning and scheduling ahead. I will quickly write up these notes while getting a bite of lunch. The remainder of my lunch break, I’ll go grocery shopping so I will be done with that task too. Next, I’ll fill out part of a questionnaire that must be done by Friday….I get up and arrange my clothes, quickly rinse my hands, glance in the mirror and think…Oh, my hair…I need to make an appointment with my hairdresser but bummer… it looks like straw! It has to be colored first…not this week though, as I have to go to the dentist first and there is no time left… Am I all set…? I launch myself out the door back to the office.

How many steps from here to my office, I wonder as I hurry back. Then a question rises in me: “Why am I in such a hurry? What makes me propel myself like a rocket? Nobody is waiting for me, I am my own boss!” For a split second I slow down but before I reach the door of my office I find myself back in the hurrying-mode frantically trying to identify the right key while cursing having so many keys on my key chain.

I forget my body, I forget my Self. I forget to inhale because I am so focused on squeezing out of my system as much ‘productivity and creativity ‘as possible. Could it be that I am unconsciously haunted by the question “Who am I when I don’t deliver (something)?” Is it really the money that I am after or is that just the excuse?  Is it maybe too scary to sit still and face the unforgiving truth that without achievements and others commenting on them, I am not sure if I even exist. Is it too hard to admit that I need mirrors to reflect me and make me feel good about myself. Why? I have since long lost the connection with my own being.

One thing is certain, I have no time to even wonder why I am running so fast, working so hard, trying to be so damn efficient. There is no time to go a little bit beyond my surface self. Who wants to really acknowledge the pain of being of no particular relevance in this world?

Is that maybe why… I believe I have to have this article on paper today and really need to talk to my daughter’s teacher at 4PM. And when I come home I find that the bathroom is a mess and before my mother comes tomorrow I really need to clean it up. Then there is a book that has to go back to the library and I didn’t even finish it. It is a good book so perhaps I can just keep it one day longer and finish it tonight.

As I race to my car, dragging behind me the empty plates and cups that were used during the day I see that I will have a hard time opening the door as there is a car parked too close to mine. I rush to the other side and fling my belongings on the backseat. “Oh, the car needs to be cleaned soon,” is what crosses my mind. With a clatter the plates and cups tumble to the floor of the car while I acrobatically avoid the transmission shift between my legs and my pencil skirt, trying to get over that hump without a rip in my skirt.

Traffic isn’t too bad yet and I arrive in time to the appointment with my daughter’s teacher. I excuse myself for the reason for this appointment because I usually have my daughter do all her homework in time and I help her with her assignments, but this time there really was no way I could have done it. So I had to send her to school with her schoolwork half finished. These days the math they are taught in school is so hard!

Doesn’t a woman have a hard time? She needs to make sure that she looks good, put on make-up and the right combination of clothing and shoes each day. And in my case, I need to go to the dentist so often…that also takes away time and I have to dye my hair. It grows out every 6 weeks and it takes ages for these colorists to do their job while I am just sitting there thinking about all I could have done instead. I could have written that letter to my aunt. She is 92. Doesn’t she deserve it? Receiving letters is her only joy because what else can she do at her age? Or, I could have paid my bills or repaired that little hole in my husband’s sweater. If I don’t do it soon, it will only get bigger and he will have to buy a new one. Or God forbid, I could have finished that book from the library and I could have brought it back in time, so I don’t owe any fee on it.

Much later, as I am preparing for bed, I quickly brush my teeth with frantic strokes. A little voice inside my head is nagging that I should take more time and use some floss… – I do so hate to be reprimanded by the dental hygienist: “You should really floss your teeth twice a day. It is for your own good!”  Finally I slide in between the sheets. My husband sleeps in the other room. He already went to bed as he has to get up real early. “I am so tired,” I sigh while desperately hoping I won’t have to lie there very long before sleep numbs me out for a few hours and that not again it is going to be a whole night of tossing and turning….When will this battle, called life, ever end and turn into joy?

We may think of ourselves, of our person, as a single unit when in fact, with a little effort we can distinguish the various voices in our heads: the voice of reasoning, the inner critic and the voice that represents the fear of what others would think of us, to name but a few. There is also the voice of what I named our Early Childhood Survival Strategy. This is that part of us that we developed when we were still a toddler, a young child, and it helped us get our needs met. We tend to identify with that voice long beyond the time of its relevance.

Which of the two parts are causing sleeplessness? Is it the healthy natural part of our Self or the stagnating remainders from the past that are lingering in our memory?

Sleeping is a natural and health preserving process and I have come to understand that it isn’t my healthy Self that causes the insomnia.  My true and authentic part is chipper and upbeat, and always up for undertaking something. It is in general positive. Its only problem is that its voice is not always loud enough to be heard.

Yes, the problem is that the voice of my real Self,  and my personally developed opinions and criteria, is drowned out by the loud instructions of the Early Childhood Survival System that also prescribes a strict criteria for me to live by. When I was still a toddler or a young child I was intent on getting my needs met by my caregiver. My mistake as an adult is, however, that I still perceive these early learned instructions to be of life and death importance. I identify with them.

“What if I won’t succeed becoming the best mom ever so people will say…look at her, she raised her children well!”

“What if I don’t become the most helpful neighbor so people will say: look at her, you can always count on her.”

“What if I don’t become the most absolute animal lover ever, so people say: Look at her, her cats are so fond of her… no wonder ‘cause she is so good to them.”

“What if I won’t sleep and I have to be at this appointment at an early hour… People will think bad of me.”

We are so used to taking other people’s judgment and opinions into account and then presume that we might not be able to live up to them. I say “other people’s opinions,” but what we truly are doing is putting our early caregiver’s opinion right into the mouths of all the new people we encounter on our lives’ paths. We are unable to see them for who they are as themselves, pre-occupied as we are seeing them as another and wanting to comply to those conditions from our Early Childhood Survival System. Living up to those conditions is the one and only thing that makes us feel somewhat satisfied with ourselves. In short, this “Past-part” of us keeps us dependent on the outcome of our performance. To function properly and with whole health it is of utmost importance that we get rid of that addictive part in our Self that craves validation/acknowledgment.

How do we recognize from which part inside us a specific suggestion or advice comes from so we can appropriately ignore it. If we don’t know the source how are we to stop listening to the less helpful one while paying attention to the other?

Here is what in time worked for me. Imagine that your body and mind, “your system”, is ruled by two opposing forces: the one is your true self and the other one is the force of what is left of your Early Childhood Survival System. In truth this is the case and to illustrate this visualize the following. Think of these two forces as clouds that are continuously in motion throughout your system, exchanging places, colliding softly or violently and separating again. Pretty much like a bad weather condition in the sky, only you are containing the weather.

For the purpose of making it easier to identify those clouds imagine them to be distinctly different colors. Imagine your “True-Self-clouds” are green and the Early Childhood Survival Strategy clouds are red-bluish.

Now pick up that magic wand that you are handed and with a light touch and a clear intent touch this entanglement of clouds and immediately, “poof,” on our command, a shift takes place. The red – bluish clouds separate from the green ones so that there now are two groups: the green unit, which is our natural healthy and joyfully productive Self and the other unit which looks more like a big stain. This entity is ugly. It is forced – it is defensive, unforgiving and rock hard… It is the petrified version of what we were, once, long – long ago. This now solid body of dark distress specifically contain our childish conclusions, decisions and coping mechanisms that helped us to survive then but in our lives of today only stifle us and in the end and do us harm.

There is no more need to live up to these childish survival strategies, however well they used to serve us. We were kids then, time has moved on; our lives have changed, the setting is different now. We need our judgment of today and now to be alive and awake for us and the very first new rule is: let us not judge ourselves by the criteria of the red – bluish force. We now know that it is there and that it is trying to do its utmost best to stay in charge of our system but tell yourself that it is outdated!

We now know too that our healthy part, our true Self, tends to be overthrown by the unchallenged leadership of the old survival system. Now we need to be smart and find a way out of this.

I would say….let us quietly and gently start to make sure our healthy green part grows and becomes stronger. Let’s start simply by sensing where our healthy Self is still tangible: in our breathing – let’s zoom in on and become aware of the subtle presence of our body as the biggest representation of our Self – our legs – our five senses that allow us to look out in the world. Let’s open all of our Self up for the subtle experiences of a summer breeze on our warm, moist skin…and build up our true selves to be a strong true voice that we can hear.

This healthy part of our Self has to grow big and strong till there is no room anymore for the red – bluish part that shrinks and shrinks and shrinks until it is gone. Once we can sense our body in each present moment we then will know that each present moment doesn’t so much require us to take the action our part-from-the-past wants to make us believe. Once we have this skill, then we are the true rulers of our system. Now we are the masters of our lives and we are at the steering wheel of our own car so to speak!

Let us be gentle though, compassionate and understanding of the panic our red – bluish part will be in… After all it used to be US as well, a long time ago, and after all it was a survival strategy. It is not going to give up control easily…        

If you have a pet observe how intensely he/she stretches his body and how each time he fully surrenders to that activity.

First, while lying on his side, he stretches his front legs up and his hind legs down as far as he possibly can. Then he rolls over onto his back and thoroughly stretches his front, by stretching up and down again, opening up the space between every rib in his rib case, so his lungs have more room.

Then, as if that wasn't enough, he stretches out his neck and ears while lifting his chin in the air and rolling over some more…he now rolls back and forth enjoying the release of the tension that normally holds up his body.

With a satisfied, contented glow, he gets up and strolls toward his food bowl. 

Now dear reader, follow your pet's little stretching video. How does that feel? What sensations did you experience? If you did this exercise with the same intensity and surrender as our sample dog or cat, you now have stepped out of your depression, even if only for a short minute.

How did it work? The secret is that most likely you were able to be in the present during those moments, whereas depression keeps you in the past.

This article is about expanding those moments of ‘being in the present,’ into hours, days, years…

Here's why I say that's possible: My view is that depression is the inability to fulfill a personal ‘holy grail’ you've been pursuing since you subconsciously made a particular decision as a young child – a holy grail which still (subconsciously) seems crucially important to your happiness, to your life. Your sense of identity is tied up in this quest, and being thwarted in it by whatever circumstances has a paralyzing effect on your vital force. That paralysis of life force is experienced as depression!

I'm going to tell you about a way out of that paralysis which you have almost certainly never heard of before.

But first, let's take a general look at the current scene about depression in the world today.

Depression is a depressing topic. So many people have been diagnosed as ‘depressed,’ yet the cause is still unknown. The ‘cures’ are often not effective, and can even result in further problems. Most people end up receiving medications, or Electro-Convulsive Therapy, or are being advised to use biofeedback techniques. These remedies seem to help some people; in others, the ‘remedies’ can actually worsen depression. Medical and health professionals, across every scientific field, have not found a definite or universal cause of depression, thus a cure is impossible. 

This article is important because it sheds new light on the cause of depression. Using a new theory developed out of my own experience, I state that the quality of your life is centrally determined by the quality of your Sense of Self. I am confident to make the startling assertion that the cause of depression lies, ultimately, in the lack of a healthy Sense of Self. This assertion is fully described and explained at the website holispsych.com.

The connection between depression and Sense of Self is not immediately obvious. I encourage you to think about what I am going to say here. What I say is based on my personal experience and on my observations of others, which have led to the Holipsych.com theory..

Concerning Depression, my theory asserts: Depression occurs when success in completing an action or behavior that is perceived as crucial to achieving desperately desired parental approval¹ is thwarted. Now you feel, “There is no hope for me to do what I perceive is necessary to be happy.” 

Thus, HolisPsych.com's answer to overcoming depression is: “Increase your Sense of Self. That makes you less dependent on the outcome of your achievements, actions or behavior or of what others think of you, inclusive your parents . The moment you are truly independent of those, you are free and not depressed!”

‘Self’ is a common term, but what does it actually mean?  How do you experience your ‘self’? There are healthy and unhealthy ways to experience your ‘self.’ I believe that the root cause of depression lies in a defective, unhealthy way of experiencing one's ‘self’ and that people in whom a Sense of Self naturally has developed at the right time in childhood are NOT prone to depression!

The healthiness or unhealthiness of a person's sense of self starts in infancy. If we are lucky as an infant we are regarded as a separately-existing, autonomous Being (-Self). Too often, children are regarded merely as pawns in the ‘emotional games’ of the primary caretaker.

In the latter case, Nature comes up with a substitute to fill the void of no sense of being an autonomous, independent Self. The child becomes dependent on the approval of the primary caretaker (and eventually others) in order to feel good about who-they-are, which is as close as they ever get to feeling like a Real Person.

Note: ultimately the approval becomes a ‘virtual approval’ which we are giving to our self when the primary caretaker is no longer around us.  This “virtual approval” is not an authentic or true opinion of ourselves. This self-judging system is just as powerful as the voice of the parent was in the first place — if not more powerful!

The original void, that lack of a solid sense of being a Real Person, caused by a lack of being regarded as a Real Person, is intolerably painful. The void gets filled by an unhealthy dependence on approval, which is a poor and unhealthy substitute for being truly respected as a Real Person. Without that approval, then, there's a sense of not really existing, of feeling ‘annihilated.’

If you have been raised like those children, you might have a desperate compulsive need to do whatever you need to do, to get that approval. So your whole identity, of being an ‘I’ or ‘me,’ is based on earning that approval by doing those things, or meeting those conditions or expectations of the primary caretaker.

If there is no way to feel-good-about-yourself through getting that (even virtual-) approval, you might feel, on a deep level, that you don't actually ‘have a right to be.’! The feeling-good-about-yourself is the most desirable thing in your life, because it is experienced as giving you ‘permission to be.’

Unfortunately, this feeling good is not a Sense of Self, but merely an unhealthy psychological structure which substitutes for a Sense of Self. It is a way to function which, because it is unhealthy, leads to all kinds of unpleasant effects  on your quality-of-life-level. This feel-good-about-Self is what I call a Substitute-Sense-of-Self.

Because so much is at stake, the behaviors leading to approval become addictive, compulsive, unavoidable, and compelling. Over the years, successfully getting (even self-administered, internalized, virtual) approval through these behaviors becomes the only motivation you might have, all you really want in life. Check within yourself right now. Can you find some of these compelled behaviors? What do you expect to get from them? Are they truly your identity? Are they truly so important that you can’t go on living your life without them being realized?

Now check within again. If you were to feel or anticipate that there would be no way you can possibly successfully get to this state of feel-good-about-yourself, and  you are able to agree that in fact there is truth to the assertion that you perceive your identity is tied up in that feeling and the behaviors leading to that feeling, aren't you in some sort of a life-or-death situation as far as you're concerned?  You (perceive to) depend on those behaviors because (you perceive that) they give you ‘permission to be’.

In the reality of the ‘present’ and the ’present you’ (or the ‘you who is actually present and not in the past) however, a) this feel-good-about-yourself isn’t so crucial as you now think; b) the behavior, action or achievement you think you depend on and that is thwarted for some reason isn’t the only pathway you can go in your life. There are other options. You just don’t (want to) see them! (Denial!)

Now it should be pretty easy to understand why you would feel depressed, if you were, long-term, unable to achieve the (self-) approval you need to feel-good-about-yourself. If, over the course of a reasonably long time, your intention to perform the necessary actions or display the appropriate behavior  would be thwarted by circumstances from outside or even due to a situation you have created yourself, or simply because you are unable to succeed in it. That is what causes depression.

To feel unable to be successful in the realization of the for the purpose of getting that sense of feel-good-about-self -selected actions, behaviors or activities and that are individually different for every single individual, would indeed be a pretty depressing prospect, wouldn't it? Hopelessness about being able to feel like ‘a person-who-really-exists!’

The above scenario may seem far-fetched to you upon reading this for the first time but is not rare. In fact, starting with the infant's unhealthy, unfortunate situation, that leads him to adopt an unhealthy behavioral strategy for feeling like a ‘self,’ all the way to the moment in which this person starts to feel hopeless about being successful at the behaviors, that were designed to achieve that feeling – and thus achieve a sense of ‘existing’ – the scenario is so common as to be considered an epidemic. Just like depression.

The good news is that if the above scenario is an accurate description, then the way out of depression becomes clear.

If the foundation of the problem lies in the way you experience your ‘self’ then you need to work on getting a stronger and healthier Sense of Self. You have to work on ‘restoring’ your Sense of Self.

How do you restore your Sense of Self?  You find ways to be deeply and constantly in touch with the awareness that your life is about you as an independent and autonomous person – not about getting the approval of others. These ways are known, and are described at www.holipsych.com.

With a ‘Restored Sense of Self’, the behaviors you used to identify with and used to require for your ‘survival’, the behaviors which you were addicted to and compelled to do, are no longer needed.  You no longer need them to generate the good-feeling- about-yourself to fill the inner sense of emptiness and invisibility, because the void isn't there anymore. The initial (Indirect) motivation for those strategies, those behaviors, those ways of feeling and presenting yourself to the world, lose their intensity; they are no longer important for your survival (compare Direct and Indirect Motivation at holispsych.com)

You can still do those things, but based on a different motivation. They have lost their emotional ‘charge’. Now you can either do them or choose to do other ones instead just because you like doing them, because they are pleasant or enjoyable or because ‘they need to be done.’ Now you are free and there is no need for and no trace of depression.

You can learn to look at life with you own mind, through your own eyes, feeling your feet touching the ground, knowing that your body is the house for your spirit and that your life is about you and what you actively choose to do and be.

…………..

Now, once more stretch out like you have seen your cat or dog doing it, or a tiger in the Zoo. Close your eyes and imagine you are in that animal body.  Feel that through and through. It is your body, it is YOU! Then open your eyes and sense the connection between Life and you.

That’s enough for now.  This article does not pretend to solve your issues, but rather help you see a way to go. Sense, for a split second, that there is a way out of your depression. Study for a second the quality of your ‘self’ and assess whether it might need improvement. Become aware that the way out of your depression might lie in increasing the healthiness of the way you are sensing yourself.  Consider in all seriousness if maybe for you the way out of depression might lie in restoring the quality of your Sense of Self.

If you have questions don’t hesitate to contact us at : contact@HolisPsych.com

¹ If we speak here of parental approval we don’t only refer to the direct active parental approval but also to the internalized (virtual) parental approval.

This article was co-authored by Alia Aurami and Lily Burns

Before you read about Depression and especially if you are depressed right now…. here's a little stretch you can use to get into a mindset so you can more easily entertain the possibility of opting out of depression, at will!

If you have a pet observe how intensely he/she stretches his body and how each time he fully surrenders to that activity.

First, while lying on his side, he stretches his front legs up and his hind legs down as far as he possibly can. Then he rolls over onto his back and thoroughly stretches his front, by stretching up and down again, opening up the space between every rib in his rib case, so his lungs have more room.

Then, as if that wasn't enough, he stretches out his neck and ears while lifting his chin in the air and rolling over some more…he now rolls back and forth enjoying the release of the tension that normally holds up his body.

With a satisfied, contented glow, he gets up and strolls toward his food bowl. 

Now dear reader, follow your pet's little stretching video. How does that feel? What sensations did you experience? If you did this exercise with the same intensity and surrender as our sample dog or cat, you now have stepped out of your depression, even if only for a short minute.

How did it work? The secret is that most likely you were able to be in the present during those moments, whereas depression keeps you in the past.

This article is about expanding those moments of ‘being in the present,’ into hours, days, years…

Here's why I say that's possible: My view is that depression is the inability to fulfill a personal ‘holy grail’ you've been pursuing since you subconsciously made a particular decision as a young child – a holy grail which still (subconsciously) seems crucially important to your happiness, to your life. Your sense of identity is tied up in this quest, and being thwarted in it by whatever circumstances has a paralyzing effect on your vital force. That paralysis of life force is experienced as depression!

I'm going to tell you about a way out of that paralysis which you have almost certainly never heard of before.

But first, let's take a general look at the current scene about depression in the world today.

Depression is a depressing topic. So many people have been diagnosed as ‘depressed,’ yet the cause is still unknown. The ‘cures’ are often not effective, and can even result in further problems. Most people end up receiving medications, or Electro-Convulsive Therapy, or are being advised to use biofeedback techniques. These remedies seem to help some people; in others, the ‘remedies’ can actually worsen depression. Medical and health professionals, across every scientific field, have not found a definite or universal cause of depression, thus a cure is impossible. 

This article is important because it sheds new light on the cause of depression. Using a new theory developed out of my own experience, I state that the quality of your life is centrally determined by the quality of your Sense of Self. I am confident to make the startling assertion that the cause of depression lies, ultimately, in the lack of a healthy Sense of Self. This assertion is fully described and explained at the website holispsych.com.

The connection between depression and Sense of Self is not immediately obvious. I encourage you to think about what I am going to say here. What I say is based on my personal experience and on my observations of others, which have led to the Holipsych.com theory..

Concerning Depression, my theory asserts: Depression occurs when success in completing an action or behavior that is perceived as crucial to achieving desperately desired parental approval¹ is thwarted. Now you feel, “There is no hope for me to do what I perceive is necessary to be happy.” 

Thus, HolisPsych.com's answer to overcoming depression is: “Increase your Sense of Self. That makes you less dependent on the outcome of your achievements, actions or behavior or of what others think of you, inclusive your parents . The moment you are truly independent of those, you are free and not depressed!”

‘Self’ is a common term, but what does it actually mean?  How do you experience your ‘self’? There are healthy and unhealthy ways to experience your ‘self.’ I believe that the root cause of depression lies in a defective, unhealthy way of experiencing one's ‘self’ and that people in whom a Sense of Self naturally has developed at the right time in childhood are NOT prone to depression!

The healthiness or unhealthiness of a person's sense of self starts in infancy. If we are lucky as an infant we are regarded as a separately-existing, autonomous Being (-Self). Too often, children are regarded merely as pawns in the ‘emotional games’ of the primary caretaker.

In the latter case, Nature comes up with a substitute to fill the void of no sense of being an autonomous, independent Self. The child becomes dependent on the approval of the primary caretaker (and eventually others) in order to feel good about who-they-are, which is as close as they ever get to feeling like a Real Person.

Note: ultimately the approval becomes a ‘virtual approval’ which we are giving to our self when the primary caretaker is no longer around us.  This “virtual approval” is not an authentic or true opinion of ourselves. This self-judging system is just as powerful as the voice of the parent was in the first place — if not more powerful!

The original void, that lack of a solid sense of being a Real Person, caused by a lack of being regarded as a Real Person, is intolerably painful. The void gets filled by an unhealthy dependence on approval, which is a poor and unhealthy substitute for being truly respected as a Real Person. Without that approval, then, there's a sense of not really existing, of feeling ‘annihilated.’

If you have been raised like those children, you might have a desperate compulsive need to do whatever you need to do, to get that approval. So your whole identity, of being an ‘I’ or ‘me,’ is based on earning that approval by doing those things, or meeting those conditions or expectations of the primary caretaker.

If there is no way to feel-good-about-yourself through getting that (even virtual-) approval, you might feel, on a deep level, that you don't actually ‘have a right to be.’! The feeling-good-about-yourself is the most desirable thing in your life, because it is experienced as giving you ‘permission to be.’

Unfortunately, this feeling good is not a Sense of Self, but merely an unhealthy psychological structure which substitutes for a Sense of Self. It is a way to function which, because it is unhealthy, leads to all kinds of unpleasant effects  on your quality-of-life-level. This feel-good-about-Self is what I call a Substitute-Sense-of-Self.

Because so much is at stake, the behaviors leading to approval become addictive, compulsive, unavoidable, and compelling. Over the years, successfully getting (even self-administered, internalized, virtual) approval through these behaviors becomes the only motivation you might have, all you really want in life. Check within yourself right now. Can you find some of these compelled behaviors? What do you expect to get from them? Are they truly your identity? Are they truly so important that you can’t go on living your life without them being realized?

Now check within again. If you were to feel or anticipate that there would be no way you can possibly successfully get to this state of feel-good-about-yourself, and  you are able to agree that in fact there is truth to the assertion that you perceive your identity is tied up in that feeling and the behaviors leading to that feeling, aren't you in some sort of a life-or-death situation as far as you're concerned?  You (perceive to) depend on those behaviors because (you perceive that) they give you ‘permission to be’.

In the reality of the ‘present’ and the ’present you’ (or the ‘you who is actually present and not in the past) however, a) this feel-good-about-yourself isn’t so crucial as you now think; b) the behavior, action or achievement you think you depend on and that is thwarted for some reason isn’t the only pathway you can go in your life. There are other options. You just don’t (want to) see them! (Denial!)

Now it should be pretty easy to understand why you would feel depressed, if you were, long-term, unable to achieve the (self-) approval you need to feel-good-about-yourself. If, over the course of a reasonably long time, your intention to perform the necessary actions or display the appropriate behavior  would be thwarted by circumstances from outside or even due to a situation you have created yourself, or simply because you are unable to succeed in it. That is what causes depression.

To feel unable to be successful in the realization of the for the purpose of getting that sense of feel-good-about-self -selected actions, behaviors or activities and that are individually different for every single individual, would indeed be a pretty depressing prospect, wouldn't it? Hopelessness about being able to feel like ‘a person-who-really-exists!’

The above scenario may seem far-fetched to you upon reading this for the first time but is not rare. In fact, starting with the infant's unhealthy, unfortunate situation, that leads him to adopt an unhealthy behavioral strategy for feeling like a ‘self,’ all the way to the moment in which this person starts to feel hopeless about being successful at the behaviors, that were designed to achieve that feeling – and thus achieve a sense of ‘existing’ – the scenario is so common as to be considered an epidemic. Just like depression.

The good news is that if the above scenario is an accurate description, then the way out of depression becomes clear.

If the foundation of the problem lies in the way you experience your ‘self’ then you need to work on getting a stronger and healthier Sense of Self. You have to work on ‘restoring’ your Sense of Self.

How do you restore your Sense of Self?  You find ways to be deeply and constantly in touch with the awareness that your life is about you as an independent and autonomous person – not about getting the approval of others. These ways are known, and are described at www.holipsych.com.

With a ‘Restored Sense of Self’, the behaviors you used to identify with and used to require for your ‘survival’, the behaviors which you were addicted to and compelled to do, are no longer needed.  You no longer need them to generate the good-feeling- about-yourself to fill the inner sense of emptiness and invisibility, because the void isn't there anymore. The initial (Indirect) motivation for those strategies, those behaviors, those ways of feeling and presenting yourself to the world, lose their intensity; they are no longer important for your survival (compare Direct and Indirect Motivation at holispsych.com)

You can still do those things, but based on a different motivation. They have lost their emotional ‘charge’. Now you can either do them or choose to do other ones instead just because you like doing them, because they are pleasant or enjoyable or because ‘they need to be done.’ Now you are free and there is no need for and no trace of depression.

You can learn to look at life with you own mind, through your own eyes, feeling your feet touching the ground, knowing that your body is the house for your spirit and that your life is about you and what you actively choose to do and be.

…………..

Now, once more stretch out like you have seen your cat or dog doing it, or a tiger in the Zoo. Close your eyes and imagine you are in that animal body.  Feel that through and through. It is your body, it is YOU! Then open your eyes and sense the connection between Life and you.

That’s enough for now.  This article does not pretend to solve your issues, but rather help you see a way to go. Sense, for a split second, that there is a way out of your depression. Study for a second the quality of your ‘self’ and assess whether it might need improvement. Become aware that the way out of your depression might lie in increasing the healthiness of the way you are sensing yourself.  Consider in all seriousness if maybe for you the way out of depression might lie in restoring the quality of your Sense of Self.

If you have questions don’t hesitate to contact us at : contact@HolisPsych.com

¹ If we speak here of parental approval we don’t only refer to the direct active parental approval but also to the internalized (virtual) parental approval.

This article was co-authored by Alia Aurami and Lily Burns

It may be of interest to know that I have developed my views during the last decade. My website, in which I have initially organized the concepts and idiom I use, dates from 1999. The site is in Dutch and although I planned to, I never got to make an English version: http://holispsych.com

Life interrupted my work on this “New of Holistic Psychology,” and it hasn’t been untill moving to the Seattle area in November of 2004, that I started to seriously study psychology at Bellevue Community College. Before that moment I had not the slightest notion of psychology and my findings are entirely based on self-analysis. Therefore it is quite interesting that large parts of my theory do actually fit in quite well into the already existing theories. Although in many ways I reinvented the wheel, there are still concepts that I haven’t come across during my two courses and that I think are of interest. In a way I feel like a Kokoschka of Psychology, practicing the art without any formal education. I do hope the reader finds quality in the underlying theory, and that the concepts are a valuable addition to the description of behavior and mental processes.

I want to point out that if I speak of people, I mean people of my time and my area, which used to be the Netherlands, Portugal and since about 12 years the USA.

My theory regarding what motivates people during their every day lives.

People would live their lives much more in harmony with nature and be less opposed to the order of things and time, if during the years of early childhood till young adulthood there wasn’t so much damage done to their potential. Many people have to spend much of their adulthood figuring out what went wrong, or compensating for what went wrong. It is my honest opinion that a lot of the world’s fate lies in the hands of the mothers. If mothers would have the capacity to free themselves from preconceived cultural notions, be balanced persons themselves and as such available for the child with unconditional love, the child would have no need to sought out things or compensate for missing aspects. In this case the human being would pretty much live like Adam and Eve in the garden of existence. They would be a lot less goal oriented and more appreciative of life itself.

This ideal world doesn’t exist and that is due to the imperfection of the mother. Because of the compensation tendencies towards selfishness, narcisism, confusion, ambition, lust for power, need for acceptance and other conditions of imperfection, the mother creates a next generation that lacks a certain to all percentile of Sense Of Self (SOS). A vicious circle keeps itself going here.

The nature of motivation

In order to understand the drives of people one has to first make the distinction between people who have this clear SOS and those who don’t. People with a clear SOS are psychologically healthy; those who don’t are psychologically ailing.

A clear Sense of Self

How is a clear SOS instilled in a person?

A child is born a blank slate. Nature provides its temperament and hereditary abilities or disabilities, and dispositions that may or may not be developed later on in life, due to social and historical circumstances and environment. A agree with Freud, who states that a person’s life is determined within the first 5 years; however I agree also with most other psychologists that people’s personality is formed or at least formable during the course of the whole life span. This may naturally occur by the events in life, but is much harder and more rarely undertaken as an active and conscious process.

Mirroring

It is clear that at birth, the child hasn’t drawn any conclusions yet about how it can influence the order of things in its advantage. This process starts unconsciously the moment the child experiences certain needs and finds out that those needs aren’t automatically met anymore, like they were while it was in the womb. The way the needs of the child are met and the way the child’s presence in general is being reflected back to him or her (mirrorring) is of crucial importance. The effect that a baby’s-toddler’s presence or existence has on the mother and father (or other educators) translates itself in certain behavior of the parents towards that child. It is the nature of this behavior of the educators that constitutes the first steps in the child’s process of distilling a sense of self. This process is an ongoing and increasing process based on the epigenetic principle as referred to in Erikson’s 8 stages.

Distinction: SOS-plus and SOS-deficiency

I would like to make a distinction between individuals who come out of their early childhood with the buildingblocks for a good and clear SOS internalized in their being (the SOS-plussers of healthy persons) and those who don’t (SOS-deficiency or ps.em. disturbed persons). To follow the path of those who do have a clear SOS would certainly be an interesting process, but in the course of this theory I will concentrate on those who don’t and are therefore considered psychologically unhealthy.

Little scientists

There is a process going on from the very beginning in the child and that is “adjustment to the provider.”  As the child learns that its needs aren’t so easily satisfied as before, one could say that the child is like a little scientist: it observes the effects of its own behavior and draws conclusions as to which behavior is the best one to obtain satisfaction of the needs. This process is based on his/her particular temperament.

Distortions in growth

The development of a child is comparable with the direction of the growth of a tree. Under ideal circumstances, that is positively mirrored by the mother/father/caregiver, a SOS builds up in a natural way. If the child has to bend and crawl in order to get its needs met and/or some positive feedback, its emotional and psychological pattern will litterally grow crooked. What is more and very interesting, I think even physically (spine deviation).

The person with a clear SOS is mostly succesful in life, as he/she doesn’t have to spend energy to worrying about what is missing in his life. The person can focus on the things to do. Those things, that are being given direct attention, and that are connected in a direct way to the essence of the person, have a lot of chance to florish. What this person does is about the things he does, about the content of the things.

To those, lacking the clear SOS, life is a different story. The need for a SOS is a very basic one, it is comparable to the spine of a person. When that need is not satisfied, the attention of the person, his/her motivation has to flow that way (theory of drive reduction). The person is primarily focused on the satisfaction of the need to create a SOS. This is the way he/she creates a Substitute SOS.

Psycho-Emotional Ego (PEE)

To battle anxiety and to feed the hope that once the needs of love and trust will be met, the person develops what I call a PEE. It is the fictional concept of Self that is based on the internalized parental wishes of how the child would be acceptable for them and eligible for their love. The PEE is in charge to create a Substitute SOS.

The PEE is comparable with Horney’s Ideal Self Image or even Rogers’s Ideal Self. Although especially in Rogers’s concept the ideal Self is considered to be based on absolute, more or less ethical standards in stead of on internalized parental wishes, compared to my PEE.   

Ego-references

The various aspects that the PEE is made of are the Ego-references. They complie all sorts of things, depending of what kind of life the person has, what their ambitions are, which ways the person uses to repair the damage of the past, that caused the need in the first place. This whole process is based on the conclusions of the person him or herself, aided by the epigenetic principle.

Anxiety

Ego-references often clash, are conflictuous among each other, which leads to a heightened state of anxiety. My personal experience is that this leads to physical symptoms as well: buzzing of the nervous system, increased tinnitus and above all insomnia.

Fury

On the other hand a so called “ almost achieved Ego-Reference” causes a violent protection of the circumstances that brought it about. The person becomes furious when some hindrances come in between. Sleeping is out of the question: one cannot let go of the perceived glory and needs to stay in control.

Depression

When a person is unable to work on the realization of his/her Ego-references because of certain unfavorable circumstances, a person feels totally depleated. The survival strategy has failed and because of the identification of the Self with the results on the scale of the achievement factor of the Ego-references, a person is paralyzed and has lost all motivation. It is necessary to note that not being able to score in the sector of the Ego-references equals a fear comparable to fear-for-death as it equals a Loss-of-Self (LOS).

Other symptoms

An immanent LOS, due to the impossibility to realize one or more Ego-eferences causes a lot of behavior related problems, such as: anger, rage, irritability, violence, suicide, addictions, compulsions, obsessions, reward-addiction.

Hidden Goal

People with SOS-deficiency base all their decisions on the hope that once their needs will be met and the damage repaired. This is an unconscious process that is based on the drive reduction theory. A need, be it physiological, psychological or emotional creates an aroused state that drives the organism to reduce that need, by trying to fulfill it. This is the hidden goal and it is the substantiating of the hope that the need will be met one day. This is the actual goal for what those people do. The actual content of the activity is no more than a vehicle to reach this hidden goal. Although for the outside world and for themselves they are busy doing the activity, they actuall are focussed on attaining the hidden goal. This is one a not recognized reason for failing and failure fear!

Motivation: intrinsic or extrinsic.

In people without or with little SOS we find almost no intrinsic motivation. Everything they do or avoid is based on their hidden goal

Edvard Deci and Richard Ryan ((1985-2000) have done research on motivation. They distinguish the well known concepts of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. However what I miss in their approach is room for what I call the improper* intrinsic motivation, being the impure nature of the motifs. The motivation isn’t geared towards what it pretends: the fulfilment of a certain task or the development of a certain process. It is geared to fulfill the psycho-emotional need through the performance of an activity. The activity can be anything, from performing music, to raising children, from seeming to be generous to being the opposite.

The improper* intrinsic motivation so far hasn’t been distinguishable from the proper* intrinsic motivation, being the real innate desire based on interest and pure motivation. It is only after training and awareness of bodily symptoms, that a person can learn to recognize the nature of his or her intrinsic motivations.

Failure Fear

Failure fear mostly indicates psycho-emotional disorder as described above. What generates this fear is threefold:

Real-Self is unknown

The drama in this setting is certainly that the PEE is so overwhelming and has caused the crooked growth or the person, that even when becoming aware of the problem, there is no knowledge, no recognizing  of the Real-Self. There is no falling back on something that is there, next to the deviation. The Real Self has stopped development the moment PEE has taken over. This means that the person, in order to have a chance to heal, has to start from scratch with the Self. That means, start as a baby and grow up to be a toddler. Become a child and an adolescent, find an identity and become a young adult. A very challenging process and way of healing. It works; I have done it.

Therapy: Motivation Check

Through guided awareness, the client can learn to recognize certain bodily and mental symptoms. We all know ourselves the best so self-knowledge is one tool; another tool is utmost honesty and integrety towards ourselves.

Among the relevant bodily symptoms the following are most obvious: insomnia, sweating, heartbeat – palpitation; hyperventilation, stress in its many forms, irritation – anger – violence etc.

    *1) proper and improper intrinsic motivation. Not being a native speaker I have a hard time to find the right translation form the Dutch “eigenlijke en oneigenlijke motivatie.” I haven’t been in psychology circles long enough to be able to ask well informed people for their opinion on this. Another option was: pure and impure intrinsic motivation.

Introduction

It may be of interest to know that I have developed my views during the last decade. My website, in which I have initially organized the concepts and idiom I use, dates from 1999. The site is in Dutch and although I planned to, I never got to make an English version: http://holispsych.com

Life interrupted my work on this “New of Holistic Psychology,” and it hasn’t been untill moving to the Seattle area in November of 2004, that I started to seriously study psychology at Bellevue Community College. Before that moment I had not the slightest notion of psychology and my findings are entirely based on self-analysis. Therefore it is quite interesting that large parts of my theory do actually fit in quite well into the already existing theories. Although in many ways I reinvented the wheel, there are still concepts that I haven’t come across during my two courses and that I think are of interest. In a way I feel like a Kokoschka of Psychology, practicing the art without any formal education. I do hope the reader finds quality in the underlying theory, and that the concepts are a valuable addition to the description of behavior and mental processes.

I want to point out that if I speak of people, I mean people of my time and my area, which used to be the Netherlands, Portugal and since about 12 years the USA.

My theory regarding what motivates people during their every day lives.

People would live their lives much more in harmony with nature and be less opposed to the order of things and time, if during the years of early childhood till young adulthood there wasn’t so much damage done to their potential. Many people have to spend much of their adulthood figuring out what went wrong, or compensating for what went wrong. It is my honest opinion that a lot of the world’s fate lies in the hands of the mothers. If mothers would have the capacity to free themselves from preconceived cultural notions, be balanced persons themselves and as such available for the child with unconditional love, the child would have no need to sought out things or compensate for missing aspects. In this case the human being would pretty much live like Adam and Eve in the garden of existence. They would be a lot less goal oriented and more appreciative of life itself.

This ideal world doesn’t exist and that is due to the imperfection of the mother. Because of the compensation tendencies towards selfishness, narcisism, confusion, ambition, lust for power, need for acceptance and other conditions of imperfection, the mother creates a next generation that lacks a certain to all percentile of Sense Of Self (SOS). A vicious circle keeps itself going here.

The nature of motivation

In order to understand the drives of people one has to first make the distinction between people who have this clear SOS and those who don’t. People with a clear SOS are psychologically healthy; those who don’t are psychologically ailing.

A clear Sense of Self

How is a clear SOS instilled in a person?

A child is born a blank slate. Nature provides its temperament and hereditary abilities or disabilities, and dispositions that may or may not be developed later on in life, due to social and historical circumstances and environment. A agree with Freud, who states that a person’s life is determined within the first 5 years; however I agree also with most other psychologists that people’s personality is formed or at least formable during the course of the whole life span. This may naturally occur by the events in life, but is much harder and more rarely undertaken as an active and conscious process.

Mirroring

It is clear that at birth, the child hasn’t drawn any conclusions yet about how it can influence the order of things in its advantage. This process starts unconsciously the moment the child experiences certain needs and finds out that those needs aren’t automatically met anymore, like they were while it was in the womb. The way the needs of the child are met and the way the child’s presence in general is being reflected back to him or her (mirrorring) is of crucial importance. The effect that a baby’s-toddler’s presence or existence has on the mother and father (or other educators) translates itself in certain behavior of the parents towards that child. It is the nature of this behavior of the educators that constitutes the first steps in the child’s process of distilling a sense of self. This process is an ongoing and increasing process based on the epigenetic principle as referred to in Erikson’s 8 stages.

Distinction: SOS-plus and SOS-deficiency

I would like to make a distinction between individuals who come out of their early childhood with the buildingblocks for a good and clear SOS internalized in their being (the SOS-plussers of healthy persons) and those who don’t (SOS-deficiency or ps.em. disturbed persons). To follow the path of those who do have a clear SOS would certainly be an interesting process, but in the course of this theory I will concentrate on those who don’t and are therefore considered psychologically unhealthy.

Little scientists

There is a process going on from the very beginning in the child and that is “adjustment to the provider.”  As the child learns that its needs aren’t so easily satisfied as before, one could say that the child is like a little scientist: it observes the effects of its own behavior and draws conclusions as to which behavior is the best one to obtain satisfaction of the needs. This process is based on his/her particular temperament.

Distortions in growth

The development of a child is comparable with the direction of the growth of a tree. Under ideal circumstances, that is positively mirrored by the mother/father/caregiver, a SOS builds up in a natural way. If the child has to bend and crawl in order to get its needs met and/or some positive feedback, its emotional and psychological pattern will litterally grow crooked. What is more and very interesting, I think even physically (spine deviation).

The person with a clear SOS is mostly succesful in life, as he/she doesn’t have to spend energy to worrying about what is missing in his life. The person can focus on the things to do. Those things, that are being given direct attention, and that are connected in a direct way to the essence of the person, have a lot of chance to florish. What this person does is about the things he does, about the content of the things.

To those, lacking the clear SOS, life is a different story. The need for a SOS is a very basic one, it is comparable to the spine of a person. When that need is not satisfied, the attention of the person, his/her motivation has to flow that way (theory of drive reduction). The person is primarily focused on the satisfaction of the need to create a SOS. This is the way he/she creates a Substitute SOS.

Psycho-Emotional Ego (PEE)

To battle anxiety and to feed the hope that once the needs of love and trust will be met, the person develops what I call a PEE. It is the fictional concept of Self that is based on the internalized parental wishes of how the child would be acceptable for them and eligible for their love. The PEE is in charge to create a Substitute SOS.

The PEE is comparable with Horney’s Ideal Self Image or even Rogers’s Ideal Self. Although especially in Rogers’s concept the ideal Self is considered to be based on absolute, more or less ethical standards in stead of on internalized parental wishes, compared to my PEE.   

Ego-references

The various aspects that the PEE is made of are the Ego-references. They complie all sorts of things, depending of what kind of life the person has, what their ambitions are, which ways the person uses to repair the damage of the past, that caused the need in the first place. This whole process is based on the conclusions of the person him or herself, aided by the epigenetic principle.

Anxiety

Ego-references often clash, are conflictuous among each other, which leads to a heightened state of anxiety. My personal experience is that this leads to physical symptoms as well: buzzing of the nervous system, increased tinnitus and above all insomnia.

Fury

On the other hand a so called “ almost achieved Ego-Reference” causes a violent protection of the circumstances that brought it about. The person becomes furious when some hindrances come in between. Sleeping is out of the question: one cannot let go of the perceived glory and needs to stay in control.

Depression

When a person is unable to work on the realization of his/her Ego-references because of certain unfavorable circumstances, a person feels totally depleated. The survival strategy has failed and because of the identification of the Self with the results on the scale of the achievement factor of the Ego-references, a person is paralyzed and has lost all motivation. It is necessary to note that not being able to score in the sector of the Ego-references equals a fear comparable to fear-for-death as it equals a Loss-of-Self (LOS).

Other symptoms

An immanent LOS, due to the impossibility to realize one or more Ego-eferences causes a lot of behavior related problems, such as: anger, rage, irritability, violence, suicide, addictions, compulsions, obsessions, reward-addiction.

Hidden Goal

People with SOS-deficiency base all their decisions on the hope that once their needs will be met and the damage repaired. This is an unconscious process that is based on the drive reduction theory. A need, be it physiological, psychological or emotional creates an aroused state that drives the organism to reduce that need, by trying to fulfill it. This is the hidden goal and it is the substantiating of the hope that the need will be met one day. This is the actual goal for what those people do. The actual content of the activity is no more than a vehicle to reach this hidden goal. Although for the outside world and for themselves they are busy doing the activity, they actuall are focussed on attaining the hidden goal. This is one a not recognized reason for failing and failure fear!

Motivation: intrinsic or extrinsic.

In people without or with little SOS we find almost no intrinsic motivation. Everything they do or avoid is based on their hidden goal

Edvard Deci and Richard Ryan ((1985-2000) have done research on motivation. They distinguish the well known concepts of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. However what I miss in their approach is room for what I call the improper* intrinsic motivation, being the impure nature of the motifs. The motivation isn’t geared towards what it pretends: the fulfilment of a certain task or the development of a certain process. It is geared to fulfill the psycho-emotional need through the performance of an activity. The activity can be anything, from performing music, to raising children, from seeming to be generous to being the opposite.

The improper* intrinsic motivation so far hasn’t been distinguishable from the proper* intrinsic motivation, being the real innate desire based on interest and pure motivation. It is only after training and awareness of bodily symptoms, that a person can learn to recognize the nature of his or her intrinsic motivations.

Failure Fear

Failure fear mostly indicates psycho-emotional disorder as described above. What generates this fear is threefold:

Real-Self is unknown

The drama in this setting is certainly that the PEE is so overwhelming and has caused the crooked growth or the person, that even when becoming aware of the problem, there is no knowledge, no recognizing  of the Real-Self. There is no falling back on something that is there, next to the deviation. The Real Self has stopped development the moment PEE has taken over. This means that the person, in order to have a chance to heal, has to start from scratch with the Self. That means, start as a baby and grow up to be a toddler. Become a child and an adolescent, find an identity and become a young adult. A very challenging process and way of healing. It works; I have done it.

Therapy: Motivation Check

Through guided awareness, the client can learn to recognize certain bodily and mental symptoms. We all know ourselves the best so self-knowledge is one tool; another tool is utmost honesty and integrety towards ourselves.

Among the relevant bodily symptoms the following are most obvious: insomnia, sweating, heartbeat – palpitation; hyperventilation, stress in its many forms, irritation – anger – violence etc.

    *1) proper and improper intrinsic motivation. Not being a native speaker I have a hard time to find the right translation form the Dutch “eigenlijke en oneigenlijke motivatie.” I haven’t been in psychology circles long enough to be able to ask well informed people for their opinion on this. Another option was: pure and impure intrinsic motivation.

]]> http://holispsych.com/motivation_and_/feed 1 http://holispsych.com/two-dutch-holistic-psychologists-pk2-selfmanagement http://holispsych.com/two-dutch-holistic-psychologists-pk2-selfmanagement#comments Tue, 11 Jan 2011 21:27:21 +0000 Annet http://holispsych.com/two-dutch-holistic-psychologists-pk2-selfmanagement  

Paul Kortman and Peter Kemperman are Dutch Holistic Psychologists who have an active practice in the environment of The Hague in the Netherlands, where they guide their clients into Self-knowledge.

“Self-knowledge is a tool against dysfunction and disease” is what they stand for. In order to heal, a person needs to get insight and understanding of what goes on in their own organism. “What body, mind and psyche express is the result of the degree of integrity you are able to apply in manifesting your blueprint. In other words: how true are you being to your Self?”

“Next to the actual ailment or dysfunction our clients consult us for most people get extra’s when we coach them. There are unexpected positive side effects.” As an example Kortman and Kemperman quote the experience of a Manager in a Multinational who consulted them to improve his communication skills. After an intervention of 3 days he left the practice with not only an increased charisma during his presentations but within 3 months the chronic sinusitis that had been bothering him for years had disappeared.

Practicing Holistic Psychological is a recently emerging phenomenon. I am honored to link to my Blog and soon also to my website holispsych.com (english version under construction) the site of Paul Kortman and Peter Kemperman as practicing holistic psychologists. Although we have developed our knowledge and insights totally independently from each other it seems that we cover much of the same topics in much of the same way. This might be taken as a sign that our conclusions are relevant specifically for this day and age.

check them out at: http://www.pk2.nl

Paul Kortman and Peter Kemperman are Dutch Holistic Psychologists who have an active practice in the environment of The Hague in the Netherlands, where they guide their clients into Self-knowledge.

“Self-knowledge is a tool against dysfunction and disease” is what they stand for. In order to heal, a person needs to get insight and understanding of what goes on in their own organism. “What body, mind and psyche express is the result of the degree of integrity you are able to apply in manifesting your blueprint. In other words: how true are you being to your Self?”

“Next to the actual ailment or dysfunction our clients consult us for most people get extra’s when we coach them. There are unexpected positive side effects.” As an example Kortman and Kemperman quote the experience of a Manager in a Multinational who consulted them to improve his communication skills. After an intervention of 3 days he left the practice with not only an increased charisma during his presentations but within 3 months the chronic sinusitis that had been bothering him for years had disappeared.

Practicing Holistic Psychological is a recently emerging phenomenon. I am honored to link to my Blog and soon also to my website holispsych.com (english version under construction) the site of Paul Kortman and Peter Kemperman as practicing holistic psychologists. Although we have developed our knowledge and insights totally independently from each other it seems that we cover much of the same topics in much of the same way. This might be taken as a sign that our conclusions are relevant specifically for this day and age.

check them out at: http://www.pk2.nl

The inability to fall asleep or stay asleep is an occasional problem for some people, and an ongoing problem for others. It impacts one's life very detrimentally. But we don't have much knowledge about the causes, and for many people the problem  stays unresolved, and the bad consequences continue: irritability, poor concentration, health damage, etc. 

The current medications most often used to treat insomnia are sedatives, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety pills. These can be harmful and addictive because they change your brain chemistry.  More importantly, it seems clear that sleeplessness is a symptom of an underlying problem or misconception and by eliminating this symptom these medications merely mask the underlying cause. This way you not only become dependent on the medication but you don’t ever get in touch with what causes it in the first place. Not knowing what is ‘off’ in your behavior or perceptions you can't work on correcting it and the deeper cause is never truly addressed, leaving room for other ailments and dysfunction.

In my own case of insomnia, which started after the birth of my first child when I was 39 years old, the ‘underlying problem’ also showed up in rage, fear, depression, gum problems, an aching face, and poor concentration. I resisted going to physicians though, because I didn't want to be sedated or medicated. 

Insomnia ruled not only my life, but the lives of my loved ones as well.  I could not hold a job and could not participate in society.  My family of origin would not accept my problem and instead of finding support I encountered rejection. They preferred to pretend ‘all was well in the family’, let alone that there was room for investigation whether and they had any part in causing my problem. And although by now I compassionately understand where they were coming from it was very difficult to be continuously sleep deprived and go through life as if nothing was wrong and honor my own needs to heal my condition.

Since I didn't accept the typical treatments, I had to develop my own. I suspected that there be a reason to my insomnia and that the way to find a solution would be through soul-searching, self-knowledge, introspection, and getting to know my patterns of behavior. I figured that what manifested in the night time would probably be ‘off’ as well during waking hours. In other words: “What was wrong with my overall concept of being and doing during the day that caused me to be unable to let my self be drifted off into sleep at night.”

I did discover the solution! And it has reduced considerably the number of hours that I would lie awake and it has also greatly improved my overall quality of life. Implementing in myself a Restored Sense of Self is a hard and slow process and the insomnia is tough to turn around. It turned out to be a lifelong process as I am still learning every day but it pays off and besides: there is no other option. I HAD and still have to take the time and put in the effort to restore my Sense of Self.

If you too are suffering from occasional or chronic insomnia, I hope you will find my story useful.

First, I discovered that I had two kinds of motivation operating in my life. There was no problem with the motive of wanting to do things for the ordinary benefit one would expect from doing them. But, I discovered I was often motivated to do things for some reason less obvious. I discovered I had a ‘Hidden Agenda’ for doing these things. Worrying about accomplishing my hidden agenda was what was keeping me lying there staring at the ceiling, instead of healthfully sleeping!

So what was my ‘Hidden Agenda?’ It is described at great length elsewhere (holispsych.com soon to be launched) but in a word, my hidden agenda was that I needed my actions to generate certain particular kinds of results that would make me ‘feel-good-about-myself’ in a very particular kind of way. And I couldn't sleep because unconsciously there was a continuous ‘flight-or-fight mode’ playing as achieving these goals perceived as being of a life threating importance. How could I sleep if I needed to work on those results…?

What was that particular kind of way? My motivation, my hidden agenda, and my insomnia all revolved around my Sense of Self, namely the lack of a healthy Sense of Myself. I believe it is the same for many others, and that the real and unacknowledged ultimate reason for insomnia is a lack of a healthy normal Sense of Self.  The lack of this Sense of Self is the inability to feel like a real, truly existing, autonomous ‘I’ or ‘me,’ INDEPENDENT from the outcome of one’s achievements or behavior.

Let me explain very briefly here how that all plays out.

If a baby or toddler is related to by their parent or primary caretaker as a pawn in that person's inner games, rather than as an independent autonomous being, a healthy Sense of Self cannot develop. The child becomes ‘enmeshed’ in the caretaker's ‘games,’ and the closest the child ever gets to a sense of ‘self’ is the moments of feeling approved of by the caretaker. The child learns to behave, feel and think, in ways whose agenda is getting that approval.

And this is not a casual matter. The alternative to feeling those approval vibes is the feeling of ‘not existing,’ of being a ‘ghost with a body,’ of being invisible to others, not being seen or heard, not having a voice or a face. This feeling is terrifying to a child and we seek to avoid it at all costs. It amounts to feeling ‘annihilated.’  So our motives for doing things to get this approval have life or death importance.  Getting that approval is experienced as a matter of life or death.  Meeting the requirements or conditions we perceive as giving us the approval, becomes the most important thing in life.

It's a simple step to see how the basic anxiety that comes with this dependency on the outcome of one’s achievement or behavior plus the worrying about the daily specifics of getting this approval – considering what's at stake in getting or not getting it – could keep one awake at night!!! So much depends on the outcome of one's actions, choosing the right ones, doing them the right way, pulling the right face at the right moment. We lie awake in fear that the insomnia itself makes that we cannot function adequately, aren't up to all the challenges. We are terrified to end up feeling as if we don't really exist because we don't get the approval we need to feel some semblance of an existing ‘self’.

Meeting the conditions and requirements for getting approval, to feel some kind of ‘existence’ is the ‘Hidden Goal’ of the (Indirect-) Motivation of most of what one does in life. This was true for me, and I suspect is true for many others. 

The outcome of my actions, whether they result in approval or disapproval from the caretaker figure, is a primary concern of life, and I must devote waking and should-be-sleeping hours to engineering the right outcome, on penalty of not existing!!!  Without a strong healthy Sense of Self, this is my fate. I live in fear of being annihilated by lack of approval.  No good outcome of behaving, no feeling of existing!

The problem is that most of this fear and the actual motives and agendas, and the unhealthy nature of the Sense of Self, are all subconscious.  If you want to heal from being deprived, as a child, of healthy ‘mirroring’ by your caretaker who didn’t treat you as a separate autonomous being, then you will need to do a lot of getting to know ‘yourself,’ recognizing patterns, and checking out the nature of the way you experience a ‘self.’

The reward is a lot more than better sleep. The reward is a better life!

If you have a healthy natural normally-developed Sense of Self, or a healed Sense of Self (both are described in the chart in the website holispsych.com soon to come in the English language) then your sense of Self does not depend on the outcome of your actions.

While medical attention and medications might be necessary steps for some people, it's my contention that the insomnia problem gets truly resolved only by doing whatever changes one’s unhealthy complex of motives and needs that generate the insomnia via feeling threats to one's Sense of Self into healthy (Direct) Motivation.  Not being dependent on the outcome of any action, behavior, or the reflection of others of oneself, but rather standing independently (and ultimately inter-dependently) in the universe, is, I contend, the ultimate and ‘real’ solution to insomnia.

I would like to point out that we have to pay extra attention with a phenomenon that manifests itself as follows: when the parent or caregiver isn’t of real influence anymore, either by relocation or by passing away, her voice has been internalized in the child. It takes a tremendous effort to learn to distinguish what is your own voice and what is your caregivers’ voice. It feels like the voice of the latter is your own and only by emphasizing the question by wondering “is this truly my own opinion?” you may come across some surprises. Even after many years of consciously analyzing my motivation I often was misled believing I voiced my own opinion or judged myself by my own standards whereas it turned out not to be the case: it still was my internalized parent’s voice. I was still judging myself with their criteria!!!

It is vital to one’s health to have a strong and healthy Sense of Self.  As I have experienced it, insomnia is one of many health concerns caused by not having that Sense of Self.  I know it is possible that insomnia can be resolved by fortifying and healing (restoring) one’s Sense of Self, because I did it. A course on how to go about will be offered shortly.

This article is based on the Holistic Psychological theory of HolisPsych.com (founder Annet Vogels).

 Author Alia Aurami and Annet Vogels

Do you suffer from severe or ongoing insomnia? Are you ready to consider that the ultimate cause might actually be an unhealthy ‘Sense of Self’ you developed in childhood? That turned out to be true for me. Check it out!

The inability to fall asleep or stay asleep is an occasional problem for some people, and an ongoing problem for others. It impacts one's life very detrimentally. But we don't have much knowledge about the causes, and for many people the problem  stays unresolved, and the bad consequences continue: irritability, poor concentration, health damage, etc. 

The current medications most often used to treat insomnia are sedatives, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety pills. These can be harmful and addictive because they change your brain chemistry.  More importantly, it seems clear that sleeplessness is a symptom of an underlying problem or misconception and by eliminating this symptom these medications merely mask the underlying cause. This way you not only become dependent on the medication but you don’t ever get in touch with what causes it in the first place. Not knowing what is ‘off’ in your behavior or perceptions you can't work on correcting it and the deeper cause is never truly addressed, leaving room for other ailments and dysfunction.

In my own case of insomnia, which started after the birth of my first child when I was 39 years old, the ‘underlying problem’ also showed up in rage, fear, depression, gum problems, an aching face, and poor concentration. I resisted going to physicians though, because I didn't want to be sedated or medicated. 

Insomnia ruled not only my life, but the lives of my loved ones as well.  I could not hold a job and could not participate in society.  My family of origin would not accept my problem and instead of finding support I encountered rejection. They preferred to pretend ‘all was well in the family’, let alone that there was room for investigation whether and they had any part in causing my problem. And although by now I compassionately understand where they were coming from it was very difficult to be continuously sleep deprived and go through life as if nothing was wrong and honor my own needs to heal my condition.

Since I didn't accept the typical treatments, I had to develop my own. I suspected that there be a reason to my insomnia and that the way to find a solution would be through soul-searching, self-knowledge, introspection, and getting to know my patterns of behavior. I figured that what manifested in the night time would probably be ‘off’ as well during waking hours. In other words: “What was wrong with my overall concept of being and doing during the day that caused me to be unable to let my self be drifted off into sleep at night.”

I did discover the solution! And it has reduced considerably the number of hours that I would lie awake and it has also greatly improved my overall quality of life. Implementing in myself a Restored Sense of Self is a hard and slow process and the insomnia is tough to turn around. It turned out to be a lifelong process as I am still learning every day but it pays off and besides: there is no other option. I HAD and still have to take the time and put in the effort to restore my Sense of Self.

If you too are suffering from occasional or chronic insomnia, I hope you will find my story useful.

First, I discovered that I had two kinds of motivation operating in my life. There was no problem with the motive of wanting to do things for the ordinary benefit one would expect from doing them. But, I discovered I was often motivated to do things for some reason less obvious. I discovered I had a ‘Hidden Agenda’ for doing these things. Worrying about accomplishing my hidden agenda was what was keeping me lying there staring at the ceiling, instead of healthfully sleeping!

So what was my ‘Hidden Agenda?’ It is described at great length elsewhere (holispsych.com soon to be launched) but in a word, my hidden agenda was that I needed my actions to generate certain particular kinds of results that would make me ‘feel-good-about-myself’ in a very particular kind of way. And I couldn't sleep because unconsciously there was a continuous ‘flight-or-fight mode’ playing as achieving these goals perceived as being of a life threating importance. How could I sleep if I needed to work on those results…?

What was that particular kind of way? My motivation, my hidden agenda, and my insomnia all revolved around my Sense of Self, namely the lack of a healthy Sense of Myself. I believe it is the same for many others, and that the real and unacknowledged ultimate reason for insomnia is a lack of a healthy normal Sense of Self.  The lack of this Sense of Self is the inability to feel like a real, truly existing, autonomous ‘I’ or ‘me,’ INDEPENDENT from the outcome of one’s achievements or behavior.

Let me explain very briefly here how that all plays out.

If a baby or toddler is related to by their parent or primary caretaker as a pawn in that person's inner games, rather than as an independent autonomous being, a healthy Sense of Self cannot develop. The child becomes ‘enmeshed’ in the caretaker's ‘games,’ and the closest the child ever gets to a sense of ‘self’ is the moments of feeling approved of by the caretaker. The child learns to behave, feel and think, in ways whose agenda is getting that approval.

And this is not a casual matter. The alternative to feeling those approval vibes is the feeling of ‘not existing,’ of being a ‘ghost with a body,’ of being invisible to others, not being seen or heard, not having a voice or a face. This feeling is terrifying to a child and we seek to avoid it at all costs. It amounts to feeling ‘annihilated.’  So our motives for doing things to get this approval have life or death importance.  Getting that approval is experienced as a matter of life or death.  Meeting the requirements or conditions we perceive as giving us the approval, becomes the most important thing in life.

It's a simple step to see how the basic anxiety that comes with this dependency on the outcome of one’s achievement or behavior plus the worrying about the daily specifics of getting this approval – considering what's at stake in getting or not getting it – could keep one awake at night!!! So much depends on the outcome of one's actions, choosing the right ones, doing them the right way, pulling the right face at the right moment. We lie awake in fear that the insomnia itself makes that we cannot function adequately, aren't up to all the challenges. We are terrified to end up feeling as if we don't really exist because we don't get the approval we need to feel some semblance of an existing ‘self’.

Meeting the conditions and requirements for getting approval, to feel some kind of ‘existence’ is the ‘Hidden Goal’ of the (Indirect-) Motivation of most of what one does in life. This was true for me, and I suspect is true for many others. 

The outcome of my actions, whether they result in approval or disapproval from the caretaker figure, is a primary concern of life, and I must devote waking and should-be-sleeping hours to engineering the right outcome, on penalty of not existing!!!  Without a strong healthy Sense of Self, this is my fate. I live in fear of being annihilated by lack of approval.  No good outcome of behaving, no feeling of existing!

The problem is that most of this fear and the actual motives and agendas, and the unhealthy nature of the Sense of Self, are all subconscious.  If you want to heal from being deprived, as a child, of healthy ‘mirroring’ by your caretaker who didn’t treat you as a separate autonomous being, then you will need to do a lot of getting to know ‘yourself,’ recognizing patterns, and checking out the nature of the way you experience a ‘self.’

The reward is a lot more than better sleep. The reward is a better life!

If you have a healthy natural normally-developed Sense of Self, or a healed Sense of Self (both are described in the chart in the website holispsych.com soon to come in the English language) then your sense of Self does not depend on the outcome of your actions.

While medical attention and medications might be necessary steps for some people, it's my contention that the insomnia problem gets truly resolved only by doing whatever changes one’s unhealthy complex of motives and needs that generate the insomnia via feeling threats to one's Sense of Self into healthy (Direct) Motivation.  Not being dependent on the outcome of any action, behavior, or the reflection of others of oneself, but rather standing independently (and ultimately inter-dependently) in the universe, is, I contend, the ultimate and ‘real’ solution to insomnia.

I would like to point out that we have to pay extra attention with a phenomenon that manifests itself as follows: when the parent or caregiver isn’t of real influence anymore, either by relocation or by passing away, her voice has been internalized in the child. It takes a tremendous effort to learn to distinguish what is your own voice and what is your caregivers’ voice. It feels like the voice of the latter is your own and only by emphasizing the question by wondering “is this truly my own opinion?” you may come across some surprises. Even after many years of consciously analyzing my motivation I often was misled believing I voiced my own opinion or judged myself by my own standards whereas it turned out not to be the case: it still was my internalized parent’s voice. I was still judging myself with their criteria!!!

It is vital to one’s health to have a strong and healthy Sense of Self.  As I have experienced it, insomnia is one of many health concerns caused by not having that Sense of Self.  I know it is possible that insomnia can be resolved by fortifying and healing (restoring) one’s Sense of Self, because I did it. A course on how to go about will be offered shortly.

This article is based on the Holistic Psychological theory of HolisPsych.com (founder Annet Vogels).

 Author Alia Aurami and Annet Vogels

Or, in the technical words of my Holistic Psychological theory, this story is a metaphor for the experience of the need to use an everyday activity or action as a vehicle to repair/correct perceived early-childhood failures in character or behavior in order to satisfy, long past due date, the everlasting craving for the Hidden Goals (or virtual parental approval) that might have led at the time to a healthy Sense of Self but in the present merely generates a Feel-Good-about-Oneself that functions as a Substitute-Sense-of-Self.

The pattern described here results from a less-than-healthy childhood in which the person received from their primary caretaker a sense of not existing independently from  the caretaker's emotional ‘games.’

Every morning, after getting herself and her house ready for the day, Lisa Losos would jump in one of her many vehicles to go out and chase butterflies. She would have her pick among big trucks, vans, jeeps, SUV’s, and cars of all kinds and colors and it really depended on the circumstances of the day,  the weather and where she was planning to head out to, what vehicle she would take.

The net she would use to catch the butterflies was highly personalized in terms of style and decorations (Ego-References). The butterflies she aimed at were all of the same family: the MOD-butterfly. They were actually quite plain but Lisa remembered clearly that those were the ones her mother used to like and it somehow seemed to give her a huge satisfaction if she was able to catch one, even though her mother was long gone. She actually never wondered if she liked them so much herself nor did she envision the option to catch the truly beautiful colorful ones.

Each day, with the net held in one hand out of the lowered window, she drove in whatever direction she sensed might be favorable for her enterprise. She would be full hope and happily motivated in the morning but in the back of her mind there was the awareness that she couldn’t afford to come home with an empty jar. She would feel terrible believing her day had been useless and that now she wasn't even a real person!

She didn’t make money selling her butterflies, and she didn’t eat them. Instead, somehow, the amount of caught butterflies reflected for her that she as a person was successful and that she was a valuable contribution to the world.

So every time she caught a butterfly, she felt good about herself and at night when looking back at the day that was what she felt when contemplating her collection. In some vague way she felt she had lived up to an expectation. She didn’t know who had put that expectation into her, but she sure felt so much better when she was able to live up to it – it was almost as if she got permission to ‘be.’

No wonder she worked like mad to make it happen, to come home with a jar filled with moving wings. In a way she was addicted to this way of living cause because every butterfly caught represented a certain amount of feel-good-about-herself. Every little butterfly represented for her – even though she didn't realize this consciously – a permission to be in existence.

But there was more to this situation than good feelings. Some of the feelings were very unpleasant. The moment she actually caught some butterflies she always got really anxious they would die overnight and then they wouldn’t count anymore toward feeling-good-about-herself and she would have to go hunting all over again. She'd lie awake worrying about that. Her mind figured that by staying awake as long as possible, the benefits of today's butterflies could be prolonged!

Another reason for staying awake was the anticipation of tomorrow's hunt. After all, it was a stressful task to have to come home with a full jar over and over! A job never finished! And there were moments in which she wondered how on earth to make that happen. Where would she find enough butterflies?

Then there were other worrying thoughts as well: “How could she hunt successfully when there was so much else to do, or when she was not feeling well enough to go out hunting?” Sometimes she simply threw up her hands in despair saying “Enough is enough! I won’t do it anymore!” But that thought was also far from reassuring. Anxiety would hit her in the night and the adrenaline rush of fear would prevent her from getting the sleep necessary to be fit and well-rested to go on the butterfly hunt again.

Then she'd find herself in a vicious cycle of fear and desperate butterfly hunting. Her compulsion to be successful thwarted generated rage, and sometimes even depression, which aggravated her insomnia. The struggle to get out of the claws of those feelings would swallow all her time which made her insomnia even worse. She wasn't consciously aware of it but at some point her whole identity was tied up in the success of her butterfly-hunting; deep down she felt it was the only thing which gave her life a meaning.

Dear Reader, can you imagine how Lisa would feel if she ever woke up to a healthy sense of who she was and always had had an option to be and that all she had been doing with her life was – chasing butterflies?

This little story is a metaphor and aims to be an illustration of a particular psycho-emotional make up: the need to achieve certain results through doing particular things which, when done with a good result generate a certain kind of feel-good-about-self  – a feeling that is experienced deep down as a ‘right to exist’ or an overall feeling of being  ‘acknowledged as a person’ and that I therefore call a Substitute Sense-of-Self.

Or, in the technical words of my Holistic Psychological theory, this story is a metaphor for the experience of the need to use an everyday activity or action as a vehicle to repair/correct perceived early-childhood failures in character or behavior in order to satisfy, long past due date, the everlasting craving for the Hidden Goals (or virtual parental approval) that might have led at the time to a healthy Sense of Self but in the present merely generates a Feel-Good-about-Oneself that functions as a Substitute-Sense-of-Self.

The pattern described here results from a less-than-healthy childhood in which the person received from their primary caretaker a sense of not existing independently from  the caretaker’s emotional ‘games.’

Every morning, after getting herself and her house ready for the day, Lisa Losos would jump in one of her many vehicles to go out and chase butterflies. She would have her pick among big trucks, vans, jeeps, SUV’s, and cars of all kinds and colors and it really depended on the circumstances of the day,  the weather and where she was planning to head out to, what vehicle she would take.

The net she would use to catch the butterflies was highly personalized in terms of style and decorations (Ego-References). The butterflies she aimed at were all of the same family: the MOD-butterfly. They were actually quite plain but Lisa remembered clearly that those were the ones her mother used to like and it somehow seemed to give her a huge satisfaction if she was able to catch one, even though her mother was long gone. She actually never wondered if she liked them so much herself nor did she envision the option to catch the truly beautiful colorful ones.

Each day, with the net held in one hand out of the lowered window, she drove in whatever direction she sensed might be favorable for her enterprise. She would be full hope and happily motivated in the morning but in the back of her mind there was the awareness that she couldn’t afford to come home with an empty jar. She would feel terrible believing her day had been useless and that now she wasn’t even a real person!

She didn’t make money selling her butterflies, and she didn’t eat them. Instead, somehow, the amount of caught butterflies reflected for her that she as a person was successful and that she was a valuable contribution to the world.

So every time she caught a butterfly, she felt good about herself and at night when looking back at the day that was what she felt when contemplating her collection. In some vague way she felt she had lived up to an expectation. She didn’t know who had put that expectation into her, but she sure felt so much better when she was able to live up to it – it was almost as if she got permission to ‘be.’

No wonder she worked like mad to make it happen, to come home with a jar filled with moving wings. In a way she was addicted to this way of living cause because every butterfly caught represented a certain amount of feel-good-about-herself. Every little butterfly represented for her – even though she didn’t realize this consciously – a permission to be in existence.

But there was more to this situation than good feelings. Some of the feelings were very unpleasant. The moment she actually caught some butterflies she always got really anxious they would die overnight and then they wouldn’t count anymore toward feeling-good-about-herself and she would have to go hunting all over again. She’d lie awake worrying about that. Her mind figured that by staying awake as long as possible, the benefits of today’s butterflies could be prolonged!

Another reason for staying awake was the anticipation of tomorrow’s hunt. After all, it was a stressful task to have to come home with a full jar over and over! A job never finished! And there were moments in which she wondered how on earth to make that happen. Where would she find enough butterflies?

Then there were other worrying thoughts as well: “How could she hunt successfully when there was so much else to do, or when she was not feeling well enough to go out hunting?” Sometimes she simply threw up her hands in despair saying “Enough is enough! I won’t do it anymore!” But that thought was also far from reassuring. Anxiety would hit her in the night and the adrenaline rush of fear would prevent her from getting the sleep necessary to be fit and well-rested to go on the butterfly hunt again.

Then she’d find herself in a vicious cycle of fear and desperate butterfly hunting. Her compulsion to be successful thwarted generated rage, and sometimes even depression, which aggravated her insomnia. The struggle to get out of the claws of those feelings would swallow all her time which made her insomnia even worse. She wasn’t consciously aware of it but at some point her whole identity was tied up in the success of her butterfly-hunting; deep down she felt it was the only thing which gave her life a meaning.

Dear Reader, can you imagine how Lisa would feel if she ever woke up to a healthy sense of who she was and always had had an option to be and that all she had been doing with her life was – chasing butterflies?

This Blog post aims at revealing the crux of my newly developed approach to solving issues of dysfunction in several areas of life: physical, mental and emotional health, issues with addictive and compulsive behavior, social issues from divorce, child rearing and education to matters of politics and WAR. 

The thesis is: The lack of a natural Sense-of-Self is the cause of numerous human suffering. An extensive website is under construction which will contain all the details of this psychological model. The time has come that so many people are in need of taking their healing in their own hands and that is exactly what this work aims at. It helps you to understand how my psyche worked and how I was able to bring about important change. What you need is complete honesty towards yourself and patience and endurance to bring about the change you always tried to implement.

The key concept in my approach is the concept of the importance of a healthy Sense of Self as opposed to the absence of one, or what I call: a lack of Sense of Self.

Thesis:

a) A Lack of Sense-of-Self can be the cause of a great deal of human suffering.

b) Addiction and compulsion can be the direct result of a Lack of Sense-of-Self.

c) Healing this condition is a prerequisite for being successful in healing alcoholism and drug addiction.

In order to get a clear view on what the theory is based on I need to speak about three different topics: the Sense-of Self-concept, Motivation and Pathology.  The 4^th one is ‘Tree-analogy’ and is meant as an illustrational aspect and imagination aid.

I distinguish three types of Sense of Self: the healthy Natural Sense-of-Self, the unhealthy Lack of Sense-of-Self which is a condition that for a person leads to a great deal of trouble of various kind and a Restored Sense-of-Self, realizable through exercise and practice. Once the Sense-of-Self is restored most of the problems caused by a Lack of Sense-of-Self will be automatically eliminated. A Lack of Sense-of-Self is caused by insufficient acknowledgment of the person as an autonomous and potentially independent human being early on in his life.

I will speak about Motivation and distinguish a Direct and an Indirect Motivation. The nature of Motivation reveals a great deal about the presence or the absence of a Sense of Self in a person. We will speak about Hidden Agenda points, Ego-References and the experiencing of a state of Feel-good-about-Self as a Substitute Sense-of-Self. In the theory a great number of new terminology has been developed but for this short overview we will limit ourselves to the basic concepts.

Pathology is a section that we will shortly touch on only to give a small indication of what might all be affected in a positive way by Restoring the Sense of Self

Tree-analogy: For a better visualization of the process involved in the insufficient mirroring of the child that ends up with a Lack of Sense-of-Self an analogy is used, with the formation, growth and development of the shape of trees.

Concise overview of the Holistic Psychological Model specifically targeted to the field of Alcohol and Drug Addiction.

This Blog post aims at revealing the crux of my newly developed approach to solving issues of dysfunction in several areas of life: physical, mental and emotional health, issues with addictive and compulsive behavior, social issues from divorce, child rearing and education to matters of politics and WAR.

The thesis is: The lack of a natural Sense-of-Self is the cause of numerous human suffering. An extensive website is under construction which will contain all the details of this psychological model. The time has come that so many people are in need of taking their healing in their own hands and that is exactly what this work aims at. It helps you to understand how my psyche worked and how I was able to bring about important change. What you need is complete honesty towards yourself and patience and endurance to bring about the change you always tried to implement.

The key concept in my approach is the concept of the importance of a healthy Sense of Self as opposed to the absence of one, or what I call: a lack of Sense of Self.

Thesis:

a) A Lack of Sense-of-Self can be the cause of a great deal of human suffering.

b) Addiction and compulsion can be the direct result of a Lack of Sense-of-Self.

c) Healing this condition is a prerequisite for being successful in healing alcoholism and drug addiction.

In order to get a clear view on what the theory is based on I need to speak about three different topics: the Sense-of Self-concept, Motivation and Pathology.  The 4^th one is ‘Tree-analogy’ and is meant as an illustrational aspect and imagination aid.

I distinguish three types of Sense of Self: the healthy Natural Sense-of-Self, the unhealthy Lack of Sense-of-Self which is a condition that for a person leads to a great deal of trouble of various kind and a Restored Sense-of-Self, realizable through exercise and practice. Once the Sense-of-Self is restored most of the problems caused by a Lack of Sense-of-Self will be automatically eliminated. A Lack of Sense-of-Self is caused by insufficient acknowledgment of the person as an autonomous and potentially independent human being early on in his life.

I will speak about Motivation and distinguish a Direct and an Indirect Motivation. The nature of Motivation reveals a great deal about the presence or the absence of a Sense of Self in a person. We will speak about Hidden Agenda points, Ego-References and the experiencing of a state of Feel-good-about-Self as a Substitute Sense-of-Self. In the theory a great number of new terminology has been developed but for this short overview we will limit ourselves to the basic concepts.

Pathology is a section that we will shortly touch on only to give a small indication of what might all be affected in a positive way by Restoring the Sense of Self

Tree-analogy: For a better visualization of the process involved in the insufficient mirroring of the child that ends up with a Lack of Sense-of-Self an analogy is used, with the formation, growth and development of the shape of trees.

Motivation 

Understanding our motivation of why we do what we do or avoid doing is key in understanding ourselves. If we understand what we are actually after we come closer to seeing where we are coming from and what ultimately our goal is.

There is a requirement to discover this key: total honesty with our selves. This is a challenge because we human beings are masters in denial, in deceiving others but also ourselves even for the duration of a life time!

As said earlier I have come to clearly distinguish two types of Motivation: Direct and Indirect.

Direct and Indirect Motivation

Examples of Direct Motivation 1: I clean the kitchen because it is not very pleasant to work in a kitchen that is greasy and has food scraps and dirty dishes all over the place. I don’t find a place to prepare my food. Also I don’t like the look of it.

Example of Indirect Motivation 1: I clean the kitchen because my parents visit me and I know how they always think that I can’t keep my house clean. I want to avoid their criticizing looks because that makes me feel as if I failed again (note that it is not at all about the kitchen being clean at all).

Ex2. of Direct Motivation: I am having my kid take piano lessons because it is worth exploring whether he is going to like that so he will have fun with it throughout his life.

Ex2. Of Indirect Motivation: I am having my kid take piano lessons because I want her to start early so she has a chance to be ‘great’. For me as a professional musician among all the other professional musician-mothers that would make me look good and give me a sense of being really professional. (Note: that it is not about the kid at all).

green = Direct Motivation
red = Indirect (SSoS-oriented-) Motivation 
two red balloons = Inner SSoS-oriented Conflict 

Now how the Direct Motivation works is clear: the activity is in sync with the envisioned goal.

How the Indirect Motivation works is not at all clear. The action is the same but there is a huge discrepancy between the goal and the so called Hidden Goal.

In this Indirect Motivation lies the key to our unhealthy functioning. The Indirect motivation is aiming at an invisible underlying process that ultimately we need to face and dismantle. Let’s first point out what the Indirect Motivation with its Hidden Agenda is aiming at.

Ego-References

It is here that the concept ‘Ego-Reference’ comes in. Ego References refer to a quality of state, attitude or behavior that, if we succeed to implement it makes us feel good about ourselves. ER’s are based on early childhood observations and refer to behaviors we engaged in, in order to be more successful in getting our needs met. They are based on observations and deductions about what type or quality of behavior would work better for us to get our needs met. Overtime we have identified with our Ego-references and we are utterly unwilling to let them go as they form our identity so to speak but at the same time they are highly addictive in nature. Indirect Motivation uses apparent everyday actions and activities as ‘vehicles’ to fulfill the Ego-References to ultimately realize the ‘Hidden Agenda.’ Please note the huge discrepancy in appearance and reality here.

Hidden Agenda

The Hidden Agenda is the ultimate goal of a person’s motivation. It is not visible at all to people from outside and in general not even known to the person herself. It taps right into that part of the person that has a strong perception about what has caused that her needs as a toddler, young child haven’t been met. “It is her fault and she should have been better,” is the unconsciously internalized message.

Overtime, when the parent is not present in the daily life of the child anymore, the Hidden Agenda becomes more of a virtual acknowledgment of that parent. The criteria have been internalized and the person (the child) knows very clearly when she would qualify for it and when not. This emotional state of FgaS that is in the later years of life the replacement of the actual Hidden Agenda becomes the ultimate goal in the life of the person. It is what he or she feels most identified with and therefore I call it a Substitute Sense of Self.

Now since there is a dependency on being successful to (even virtually) get the needs met, there is a continuous striving to create this situation. The drama is however that reaching that point of satisfaction once or twice isn’t enough…in order to be secured of a Substitute Sense-of-Self a person needs to keep repeating this attempt and the desired outcome. A Substitute Sense-of-Self is of short duration and needs to be continuously renewed: this is the source for a compulsion that cannot be escaped.

A Vehicle

A 'Vehicle' is an everyday activity or action that is used to improve the level of perfection of the Ego-References which are continuously in need to be improved because they aim at realizing the (so wanted) Hidden Agenda and/or Substitute Sense-of-Self.

Here is a form you can use print and use to list your own 'Vehicles', 'Ego-References'  and 'Hidden Agenda'. You will find that the Hidden Agenda, even if formulated differently on occasions, comes pretty much down to one big unresolved issue that obviously is of crucial importance in your life. The Ego-References are the typical ways of being  and doing you continuously try to improve on and there will be a number of entries here that are all different. What actions or activities will be listed under 'Vehicle' depends highly on what your daily life looks like, what kind of activities you have to perform anyway or what you decide on using as a 'Vehicle'.

Chart for use of Motivation Check

Sense-of-Self 

What was the thesis of this Holistic Psychological Theory again?

Thesis:

a) A Lack of Sense-of-Self can be the cause of a great deal of human suffering.

b) Addiction and compulsion can be the direct result of a Lack of Sense-of-Self.

c) Healing this condition is a prerequisite for being successful in healing alcoholism and drug addiction.

In the theory there is an extensive section dedicated to the Definition of Self, Self-esteem and Sensing the Self. Here I just mention that there are 6 layers to a healthy Self. It is important to have a visualization of the concept of Self as it is a concept that is hard to describe, even though we use it very often in everyday life.

Visualizaton of the 6 layers of Self

The Unhealthy Self compared to the Healthy Self
read more in holispsych.com soon to be available 

Sense of Self Concept

You may ask yourself in this context what is a Lack of Sense-of-Self?

In this Holistic Psychological  model we distinguish 3 types of Sense-of-Self:

Natural Sense-of-Self, Substitute Sense-of-Self and Restored Sense-of-Self

There are two distinct groups of people : those with a Natural Sense of Self and those without a Natural Sense-of-Self. I have found a Natural Sense-of-Self to be of fundamental necessity for a person to be able to be without too many problems. A Natural Sense-of-Self is needed in order to have a potential for success and good health and for being able to sustain a peaceful environment and enjoy a relatively happy life. Absence in a person of this healthy Sense of Self is what leads to numerous troubles among which, but not solely, addiction.

The Substitute Sense-of-Self is a structure being brought into place by the psycho-emotional void a person with a Lack of Sense-of-Self actually has or is, a structure that is needed to function as a sort of substitute spine without which the psycho-emotional organism and therefore the person would not be able to stay alive. Imagine a mass of pudding!

A Restored Sense-of-Self is a recovered Sense of Self that is not natural since the Sense-of-self has been absent in the first place and re-instated. This theory focuses on undoing the misconception about Self and implementing so far unknown aspects in order to create a healthy reference to Self. Once the Restored Sense-of-Self is in place the pathological effects from a Lack of Sense-of-Self start to disappear one by one. The reason therefore s that now the person is ‘present’ with his or her right mind and this allows them to base their choices on personal standards of well-being. They now are able to relate to themselves and have an incentive, themselves!

A person with a Lack of Sense-of-Self may refer to him or her Self but there is actually no acquaintance with any aspect whatsoever of that which the healthy person considers him or herself.  Self in this case may mean only: not somebody else. In fact a person with a Lack of Sense-of-Self becomes dependent on a Substitute Sense-of-Self which is compulsive in nature and keeps her occupied the rest of her life. She needs to continue fulfilling the Ego-References but that activity never brings her in touch with her true self. She lives like a juggler keeping his plates in the air. In the meantime she skips her own life while working to exhaustion to keep these perceived requirements for the Substitute Sense-of-Self going.

The damaged Self in enmeshment with the Mother (or primary caregiver);
read more in the website holispsych.com english version to come 

Pathology

Incomplete overview of ailments and dysfunction that might be at the least positively influenced if not eliminated by restoring the Sense-of Self

In my work I invite people to help describing a Natural Sense-of-Self. As I don’t come from the privileged group of people that had a Natural Sense-of-Self I am not in the position to give clear information on that if that were at all possible. But the truth is so far it is taken for granted to know what a Self is, what it means and how you can ‘be your Self’, how you can ‘ground your Self’. It is high time to acknowledge that, even though we use the word ‘Self’  a hundred times a day, not all of us, actually many of us, don’t really know what it means. Many of us are not at all in touch with who we truly are.

For assessing whether or not you fall into the category of people who have to work on restoring their Sense-of-Self HolisPsych.com offers this chart on which you find three columns:

Natural Sense-of-Self  -  Substitute Sense-of-Self  – Restored Sense-of-Self.

Under each column you find the quality of Life the person is prone to. We see that under the Substitute Sense-of-Self there is an overwhelming number of disease and dysfunction in all areas of life.

Under Natural Sense-of-Self there are issues of course but they are generally less intense and more on the surface of existence (QoL*). Under Restored Sense-of-Self we see that after healing this condition we are coming very close to the quality of life of a person with a Natural Sense-of-Self.

QoL =  relates to normal ups and downs in life that are not pathological.

 Map of Healing the Sense of Self  

Tree-analogy 

The development of our own brain wiring is covered by our skull and as such invisible. Often we presume that we all have the same potential and all need to get as close to what is considered ‘normal’. Fortunately the concept ‘normal’ has recently become a subject that has left more room for ‘not being identical to others’.

In order to emphasis the variations that are possible among how our brains are sired I have found it a great help to visualize the process of the development of our brain-wiring with the aid of illustrations of the formation, growth and development of the shape of a tree. It helps to look at the variety of forms and shapes of a tree and to compare this process of formation to what has happened in the dark of our brain while we were being brought up to get a clearer imagination of what might have developed naturally and what might have been thwarted or cut off. We learn to better assess our own assets and limitations.

How much of a role nature plays in this game and how much the part is of Nurture falls outside the scope of this work. Please note that this part about the trees is used solely as an aid and isn’t to be considered a scientifically correct essay about neurons nor about trees.

Sketch 1The Human Brain;  Sketch 2 Neuron clusters;  Sketch 3 a single Neuron

Sketch 4 the Perfect Tree; Sketch 5 Distorted Tree; Sketch 6 imbalance

Sketch 7 thwarted growth and adjustment; Sketch 8 heavily influenced

Sketch 9: you are invited to pick up a pencil or pen to draw how you envision the growth and formation of your own brain-tree

Conclusion

I want to end with mentioning clearly where the addiction to substances comes in this argumentation.

But let’s first refresh the thesis one more time:

Thesis:

a) A Lack of Sense-of-Self can be the cause of a great deal of human suffering.

b) Addiction and compulsion can be the direct result of a Lack of Sense-of-Self.

c) Healing this condition is a prerequisite for being successful in healing alcoholism and drug addiction.

The use of substances in this pattern happens for 3 reasons:

As a reward: Living under the continuous stress of not being in touch with one’s true nature but juggling one’s plates in the air out of necessity for a Substitute Sense-of-Self leads to the desire for a “Reward”. In absence of the Direct Motivation, where the goal of the action is its own reward, a High is recurred to, that takes the place of the ever absent  (virtual) acceptance of the parent and that CAN be experienced even though we are not ourselves.

As an escape: To continuously have to carry the burden of working to get the Substitute Sense-of-Self is exhausting and also because it is a task that isn’t clear cut (in fact hardly possible) there is a great need to escape.

As an Ego Reference: in certain cultures it is very ‘manly’ to drink and it is perceived that “you are not a real man if you don’t drink.” To improve being able to deal with alcohol “as a man” and be accepted as one (by your father) is a continuous challenge

As a Hidden Goal: to create a ‘sense of belonging’ on which one has missed out in the first place in the family or origin or not having normal friendships.

It is important to keep in mind that a person with a Lack of Sense-of-Self by nature is prone to addiction due to the total make-up of the Substitute Sense-of-Self-oriented System following which he functions. It is no wonder that especially for this type of person it is almost impossible to change his behavior based on their own motivation. They are not even ‘present’ as their own person. There is nothing that motivates them but the Substitute Sense-of-Self. They are not in their right mind and have no sense of survival for their own sake. They are not in service of themselves and in a way ARE NOT! They CANNOT be motivated by themselves because their Self doesn’t exist (yet).

Now we can see how easily the state/condition of a having a Lack of Sense-of-Self can be considered a precursor and a fertile ground for the disease of addiction to develop. It needs  no further persuasion to draw the conclusion that active implementation of working on restoring a Sense of Self needs to become an important part in any Treatment Program. Let me end with expressing the hope that if you are in the position to make a difference in the setup of these programs please consider to do so based on what you learned today.

Motivation

Understanding our motivation of why we do what we do or avoid doing is key in understanding ourselves. If we understand what we are actually after we come closer to seeing where we are coming from and what ultimately our goal is.

There is a requirement to discover this key: total honesty with our selves. This is a challenge because we human beings are masters in denial, in deceiving others but also ourselves even for the duration of a life time!

As said earlier I have come to clearly distinguish two types of Motivation: Direct and Indirect.

Direct and Indirect Motivation

Examples of Direct Motivation 1: I clean the kitchen because it is not very pleasant to work in a kitchen that is greasy and has food scraps and dirty dishes all over the place. I don’t find a place to prepare my food. Also I don’t like the look of it.

Example of Indirect Motivation 1: I clean the kitchen because my parents visit me and I know how they always think that I can’t keep my house clean. I want to avoid their criticizing looks because that makes me feel as if I failed again (note that it is not at all about the kitchen being clean at all).

Ex2. of Direct Motivation: I am having my kid take piano lessons because it is worth exploring whether he is going to like that so he will have fun with it throughout his life.

Ex2. Of Indirect Motivation: I am having my kid take piano lessons because I want her to start early so she has a chance to be ‘great’. For me as a professional musician among all the other professional musician-mothers that would make me look good and give me a sense of being really professional. (Note: that it is not about the kid at all).

green = Direct Motivation
red = Indirect (SSoS-oriented-) Motivation
two red balloons = Inner SSoS-oriented Conflict

Now how the Direct Motivation works is clear: the activity is in sync with the envisioned goal.

How the Indirect Motivation works is not at all clear. The action is the same but there is a huge discrepancy between the goal and the so called Hidden Goal.

In this Indirect Motivation lies the key to our unhealthy functioning. The Indirect motivation is aiming at an invisible underlying process that ultimately we need to face and dismantle. Let’s first point out what the Indirect Motivation with its Hidden Agenda is aiming at.

Ego-References

It is here that the concept ‘Ego-Reference’ comes in. Ego References refer to a quality of state, attitude or behavior that, if we succeed to implement it makes us feel good about ourselves. ER’s are based on early childhood observations and refer to behaviors we engaged in, in order to be more successful in getting our needs met. They are based on observations and deductions about what type or quality of behavior would work better for us to get our needs met. Overtime we have identified with our Ego-references and we are utterly unwilling to let them go as they form our identity so to speak but at the same time they are highly addictive in nature. Indirect Motivation uses apparent everyday actions and activities as ‘vehicles’ to fulfill the Ego-References to ultimately realize the ‘Hidden Agenda.’ Please note the huge discrepancy in appearance and reality here.

Hidden Agenda

The Hidden Agenda is the ultimate goal of a person’s motivation. It is not visible at all to people from outside and in general not even known to the person herself. It taps right into that part of the person that has a strong perception about what has caused that her needs as a toddler, young child haven’t been met. “It is her fault and she should have been better,” is the unconsciously internalized message.

Overtime, when the parent is not present in the daily life of the child anymore, the Hidden Agenda becomes more of a virtual acknowledgment of that parent. The criteria have been internalized and the person (the child) knows very clearly when she would qualify for it and when not. This emotional state of FgaS that is in the later years of life the replacement of the actual Hidden Agenda becomes the ultimate goal in the life of the person. It is what he or she feels most identified with and therefore I call it a Substitute Sense of Self.

Now since there is a dependency on being successful to (even virtually) get the needs met, there is a continuous striving to create this situation. The drama is however that reaching that point of satisfaction once or twice isn’t enough…in order to be secured of a Substitute Sense-of-Self a person needs to keep repeating this attempt and the desired outcome. A Substitute Sense-of-Self is of short duration and needs to be continuously renewed: this is the source for a compulsion that cannot be escaped.

A Vehicle

A ‘Vehicle’ is an everyday activity or action that is used to improve the level of perfection of the Ego-References which are continuously in need to be improved because they aim at realizing the (so wanted) Hidden Agenda and/or Substitute Sense-of-Self.

Here is a form you can use print and use to list your own ‘Vehicles’, ‘Ego-References’  and ‘Hidden Agenda’. You will find that the Hidden Agenda, even if formulated differently on occasions, comes pretty much down to one big unresolved issue that obviously is of crucial importance in your life. The Ego-References are the typical ways of being  and doing you continuously try to improve on and there will be a number of entries here that are all different. What actions or activities will be listed under ‘Vehicle’ depends highly on what your daily life looks like, what kind of activities you have to perform anyway or what you decide on using as a ‘Vehicle’.

Chart for use of Motivation Check

Sense-of-Self

What was the thesis of this Holistic Psychological Theory again?

Thesis:

a) A Lack of Sense-of-Self can be the cause of a great deal of human suffering.

b) Addiction and compulsion can be the direct result of a Lack of Sense-of-Self.

c) Healing this condition is a prerequisite for being successful in healing alcoholism and drug addiction.

In the theory there is an extensive section dedicated to the Definition of Self, Self-esteem and Sensing the Self. Here I just mention that there are 6 layers to a healthy Self. It is important to have a visualization of the concept of Self as it is a concept that is hard to describe, even though we use it very often in everyday life.

Visualizaton of the 6 layers of Self

The Unhealthy Self compared to the Healthy Self
read more in holispsych.com soon to be available

Sense of Self Concept

You may ask yourself in this context what is a Lack of Sense-of-Self?

In this Holistic Psychological  model we distinguish 3 types of Sense-of-Self:

Natural Sense-of-Self, Substitute Sense-of-Self and Restored Sense-of-Self

There are two distinct groups of people : those with a Natural Sense of Self and those without a Natural Sense-of-Self. I have found a Natural Sense-of-Self to be of fundamental necessity for a person to be able to be without too many problems. A Natural Sense-of-Self is needed in order to have a potential for success and good health and for being able to sustain a peaceful environment and enjoy a relatively happy life. Absence in a person of this healthy Sense of Self is what leads to numerous troubles among which, but not solely, addiction.

The Substitute Sense-of-Self is a structure being brought into place by the psycho-emotional void a person with a Lack of Sense-of-Self actually has or is, a structure that is needed to function as a sort of substitute spine without which the psycho-emotional organism and therefore the person would not be able to stay alive. Imagine a mass of pudding!

A Restored Sense-of-Self is a recovered Sense of Self that is not natural since the Sense-of-self has been absent in the first place and re-instated. This theory focuses on undoing the misconception about Self and implementing so far unknown aspects in order to create a healthy reference to Self. Once the Restored Sense-of-Self is in place the pathological effects from a Lack of Sense-of-Self start to disappear one by one. The reason therefore s that now the person is ‘present’ with his or her right mind and this allows them to base their choices on personal standards of well-being. They now are able to relate to themselves and have an incentive, themselves!

A person with a Lack of Sense-of-Self may refer to him or her Self but there is actually no acquaintance with any aspect whatsoever of that which the healthy person considers him or herself.  Self in this case may mean only: not somebody else. In fact a person with a Lack of Sense-of-Self becomes dependent on a Substitute Sense-of-Self which is compulsive in nature and keeps her occupied the rest of her life. She needs to continue fulfilling the Ego-References but that activity never brings her in touch with her true self. She lives like a juggler keeping his plates in the air. In the meantime she skips her own life while working to exhaustion to keep these perceived requirements for the Substitute Sense-of-Self going.

The damaged Self in enmeshment with the Mother (or primary caregiver);
read more in the website holispsych.com english version to come

Pathology

Incomplete overview of ailments and dysfunction that might be at the least positively influenced if not eliminated by restoring the Sense-of Self

In my work I invite people to help describing a Natural Sense-of-Self. As I don’t come from the privileged group of people that had a Natural Sense-of-Self I am not in the position to give clear information on that if that were at all possible. But the truth is so far it is taken for granted to know what a Self is, what it means and how you can ‘be your Self’, how you can ‘ground your Self’. It is high time to acknowledge that, even though we use the word ‘Self’  a hundred times a day, not all of us, actually many of us, don’t really know what it means. Many of us are not at all in touch with who we truly are.

For assessing whether or not you fall into the category of people who have to work on restoring their Sense-of-Self HolisPsych.com offers this chart on which you find three columns:

Natural Sense-of-Self  -  Substitute Sense-of-Self  – Restored Sense-of-Self.

Under each column you find the quality of Life the person is prone to. We see that under the Substitute Sense-of-Self there is an overwhelming number of disease and dysfunction in all areas of life.

Under Natural Sense-of-Self there are issues of course but they are generally less intense and more on the surface of existence (QoL*). Under Restored Sense-of-Self we see that after healing this condition we are coming very close to the quality of life of a person with a Natural Sense-of-Self.

QoL =  relates to normal ups and downs in life that are not pathological.

Map of Healing the Sense of Self

Tree-analogy

The development of our own brain wiring is covered by our skull and as such invisible. Often we presume that we all have the same potential and all need to get as close to what is considered ‘normal’. Fortunately the concept ‘normal’ has recently become a subject that has left more room for ‘not being identical to others’.

In order to emphasis the variations that are possible among how our brains are sired I have found it a great help to visualize the process of the development of our brain-wiring with the aid of illustrations of the formation, growth and development of the shape of a tree. It helps to look at the variety of forms and shapes of a tree and to compare this process of formation to what has happened in the dark of our brain while we were being brought up to get a clearer imagination of what might have developed naturally and what might have been thwarted or cut off. We learn to better assess our own assets and limitations.

How much of a role nature plays in this game and how much the part is of Nurture falls outside the scope of this work. Please note that this part about the trees is used solely as an aid and isn’t to be considered a scientifically correct essay about neurons nor about trees.

Sketch 1The Human Brain;  Sketch 2 Neuron clusters;  Sketch 3 a single Neuron

Sketch 4 the Perfect Tree; Sketch 5 Distorted Tree; Sketch 6 imbalance

Sketch 7 thwarted growth and adjustment; Sketch 8 heavily influenced

Sketch 9: you are invited to pick up a pencil or pen to draw how you envision the growth and formation of your own brain-tree

Conclusion

I want to end with mentioning clearly where the addiction to substances comes in this argumentation.

But let’s first refresh the thesis one more time:

Thesis:

a) A Lack of Sense-of-Self can be the cause of a great deal of human suffering.

b) Addiction and compulsion can be the direct result of a Lack of Sense-of-Self.

c) Healing this condition is a prerequisite for being successful in healing alcoholism and drug addiction.

The use of substances in this pattern happens for 3 reasons:

As a reward: Living under the continuous stress of not being in touch with one’s true nature but juggling one’s plates in the air out of necessity for a Substitute Sense-of-Self leads to the desire for a “Reward”. In absence of the Direct Motivation, where the goal of the action is its own reward, a High is recurred to, that takes the place of the ever absent  (virtual) acceptance of the parent and that CAN be experienced even though we are not ourselves.

As an escape: To continuously have to carry the burden of working to get the Substitute Sense-of-Self is exhausting and also because it is a task that isn’t clear cut (in fact hardly possible) there is a great need to escape.

As an Ego Reference: in certain cultures it is very ‘manly’ to drink and it is perceived that “you are not a real man if you don’t drink.” To improve being able to deal with alcohol “as a man” and be accepted as one (by your father) is a continuous challenge

As a Hidden Goal: to create a ‘sense of belonging’ on which one has missed out in the first place in the family or origin or not having normal friendships.

It is important to keep in mind that a person with a Lack of Sense-of-Self by nature is prone to addiction due to the total make-up of the Substitute Sense-of-Self-oriented System following which he functions. It is no wonder that especially for this type of person it is almost impossible to change his behavior based on their own motivation. They are not even ‘present’ as their own person. There is nothing that motivates them but the Substitute Sense-of-Self. They are not in their right mind and have no sense of survival for their own sake. They are not in service of themselves and in a way ARE NOT! They CANNOT be motivated by themselves because their Self doesn’t exist (yet).

Now we can see how easily the state/condition of a having a Lack of Sense-of-Self can be considered a precursor and a fertile ground for the disease of addiction to develop. It needs  no further persuasion to draw the conclusion that active implementation of working on restoring a Sense of Self needs to become an important part in any Treatment Program. Let me end with expressing the hope that if you are in the position to make a difference in the setup of these programs please consider to do so based on what you learned today.

I had started some 20 years before that incident, to try to make sense of the experiences of myself and of those of my brother. My brother’s death and my own severe insomnia and other difficulties in daily life, heavy problems of 2 of the 5 members of my family of origin, motivated me to draw my very own conclusions that I wish to share on this webpage.

As I reread (in 2010) ‘Under the Influence’ I find, compared to my initial reading in 2003, much more value in the answers the author gives to the so fiercely debated question whether alcohol is a disease for which one is to be pitied rather than to be blamed or a situation that can be avoided by taking one’s personal responsibility.

I am impressed with the explanations of the chemical reactions in the body that requires a lot of knowledge that I don’t have. I accept that and am grateful for the information. However the concept that I have been suspected to be and stay absent in the common ways it is understood why some people are/become alcoholics and others don’t  is indeed still not mentioned and based on that fact I presume, unknown.

I consider it my duty to shed a light on it from the position where I am in: a former insomniac who lost her brother to alcoholism and has experienced a great number of other problems, both in my own life as well as in my family of origin.

This page has a place in the work about ‘Holistic Psychology’, because I believe that for many persons the root cause of alcoholism may lay in the subject that is dealt with in this work and be one and the same, as it is a root cause for an enormous number of human suffering: a lack of Sense of Self.

For full understanding of what a Lack of Sense of Self entices and the impact it has on the development of a person and subsequently on her quality of life, I invite you to look into the explanations as they are presented in this work and website. The subject is complex and in this stage I am unable to give a satisfactory short overview of its content in order to create a short cut to full understanding.

First you do have to spend some time taking in the concepts presented in this Holistic Psychological Model and then my statement hereunder on how this applies to alcoholism will make sense to you:

A Lack of Sense of Self is a psycho-emotional but invisible problem. Therefore we can’t clearly distinguish what is the difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic. However the question really comes down to, as admitted in ‘Under the Influence’ as well: What is the difference between a person who has the power, the will to stop drinking and obey the physical signs of ‘enough’ by ceasing to take in more alcoholic beverages and a person who ignores those bodily signs.

There are two groups of people (after therapy there are three): individuals with a strong Sense of Self and those without a Sense of Self.  Now for the latter the challenges of listening to ‘themselves’ , obeying signs of their bodies, are gigantic:

-   There is no Self to listen to; there is no Self to interpret signs of the body either

-   The person with a Lack of Sense of Self’s problems are very basic and lay on a deep psycho-emotional level. His or her need to hide in the world of alcohol (and drugs) is great, greater as for those who have a Sense of Self which enables them to take charge of situations, whatever bad they are at some point. For them the ‘I’ is present at some point to pick up the pieces and make changes.

The person with a Lack of Sense of Self has a lack of concrete understanding of his or her own particular condition; there is no willpower as there is no active subject to exert the willpower all together.

-   As a result there is a catch 22 condition: due to the inaccessibility of the problem the person keeps on hiding in alcohol which aggravates the condition as physical addiction kicks in.

In short I would like to state that, contrary to what the above mentioned book proclaims, it being that there would be no mysterious X-factor that sheds a light on the question of why some people are predisposed to become alcoholics, there actually is one. It is the absence of a (Natural) Sense of Self.

*Milam, Ph.D. James R., & Ketcham, Katherine (1981). Under the Influence, a guide to the myths and realities of Alcoholism. New York: Bantam Books

As I am working my way through the one and only booklet that seems to be a guideline for gathering knowledge on what the facts are about alcoholism and which dates from 1981, Under the Influence*, I can’t still help to feel the need to publish my personal opinion. When I first started to look into this subject, shortly after the death of my brother Pim in 2003, who suffered a terrible death as a diabetic and severely addicted alcoholic, I was strongly opinionated against the ‘disease model’ , suspecting deeper and more informative reasons for the self-destructive behavior of the alcoholic.

I had started some 20 years before that incident, to try to make sense of the experiences of myself and of those of my brother. My brother’s death and my own severe insomnia and other difficulties in daily life, heavy problems of 2 of the 5 members of my family of origin, motivated me to draw my very own conclusions that I wish to share on this webpage.

As I reread (in 2010) ‘Under the Influence’ I find, compared to my initial reading in 2003, much more value in the answers the author gives to the so fiercely debated question whether alcohol is a disease for which one is to be pitied rather than to be blamed or a situation that can be avoided by taking one’s personal responsibility.

I am impressed with the explanations of the chemical reactions in the body that requires a lot of knowledge that I don’t have. I accept that and am grateful for the information. However the concept that I have been suspected to be and stay absent in the common ways it is understood why some people are/become alcoholics and others don’t is indeed still not mentioned and based on that fact I presume, unknown.

I consider it my duty to shed a light on it from the position where I am in: a former insomniac who lost her brother to alcoholism and has experienced a great number of other problems, both in my own life as well as in my family of origin.

This page has a place in the work about ‘Holistic Psychology’, because I believe that for many persons the root cause of alcoholism may lay in the subject that is dealt with in this work and be one and the same, as it is a root cause for an enormous number of human suffering: a lack of Sense of Self.

For full understanding of what a Lack of Sense of Self entices and the impact it has on the development of a person and subsequently on her quality of life, I invite you to look into the explanations as they are presented in this work and website. The subject is complex and in this stage I am unable to give a satisfactory short overview of its content in order to create a short cut to full understanding.

First you do have to spend some time taking in the concepts presented in this Holistic Psychological Model and then my statement hereunder on how this applies to alcoholism will make sense to you:

A Lack of Sense of Self is a psycho-emotional but invisible problem. Therefore we can’t clearly distinguish what is the difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic. However the question really comes down to, as admitted in ‘Under the Influence’ as well: What is the difference between a person who has the power, the will to stop drinking and obey the physical signs of ‘enough’ by ceasing to take in more alcoholic beverages and a person who ignores those bodily signs.

There are two groups of people (after therapy there are three): individuals with a strong Sense of Self and those without a Sense of Self. Now for the latter the challenges of listening to ‘themselves’ , obeying signs of their bodies, are gigantic:

There is no Self to listen to; there is no Self to interpret signs of the body either

The person with a Lack of Sense of Self’s problems are very basic and lay on a deep psycho-emotional level. His or her need to hide in the world of alcohol (and drugs) is great, greater as for those who have a Sense of Self which enables them to take charge of situations, whatever bad they are at some point. For them the ‘I’ is present at some point to pick up the pieces and make changes.

The person with a Lack of Sense of Self has a lack of concrete understanding of his or her own particular condition; there is no willpower as there is no active subject to exert the willpower all together.

As a result there is a catch 22 condition: due to the inaccessibility of the problem the person keeps on hiding in alcohol which aggravates the condition as physical addiction kicks in.

In short I would like to state that, contrary to what the above mentioned book proclaims, it being that there would be no mysterious X-factor that sheds a light on the question of why some people are predisposed to become alcoholics, there actually is one. It is the absence of a (Natural) Sense of Self.

*Milam, Ph.D. James R., & Ketcham, Katherine (1981). Under the Influence, a guide to the myths and realities of Alcoholism. New York: Bantam Books